Freakin' Diet...

So here's the deal...

2009-04-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing any sort of dieting. At all. And I'm okay with that right now. I haven't been bingeing, nor have I been eating healthy or exercising. I just eat what I want when I'm hungry and that's that.

Mentally and emotionally I've been much better. I had a great spring break. I went to the beach, to the casino, to San Francisco. I went thrift shopping and dancing and have been having a fabulous time indulging in my new sewing hobby.

Sometimes I have conflicting emotions when it comes to dieting and weight loss. I believe that we live in a society that values thin as ideal and beautiful and hates fat, especially fat women. We're constantly told that fat is unhealthy, disgusting and shameful. We learn to hate our bodies, to be ashamed, to hide behind hideous clothes, to be the quiet fat girl that isn't worthy of love or recognition.

I recently had a conversation with my best friend. Her mother has Huntington's disease and it has left her unable to care for herself, she needs constant assistance. As the disease progresses, it gets more difficult for her mother to do the physical things we take for granted, such as speaking and swallowing and going to the bathroom.

She told me that her mother, who is normally heavy, had recently lost a lot of weight, that she's "skin and bone" now. She said that everyone was saying how great it was that she was losing weight. Mind you, this is a woman who is in a wheelchair and can't even lift a fork to her mouth by herself. My friend said she's the only one who seemed to think that her mother losing weight was NOT a good thing. She's not eating because she doesn't want to, she's losing the ability to swallow. And now doctors want to insert a feeding tube because she is essentially starving to death. She spits out everything they try to feed her.

It made me sad to hear this. The whole situation, obviously is sad. But the idea that there were people who looked at this woman who can't even function on her own and thought "wow, that's fantastic that she's losing weight" as if she were dieting and exercising and making a conscious effort to lose it. Would you congratulate someone with cancer on their weight loss? Would you tell them how fantastic and healthy they look simply because they can fit into smaller clothes?

Sometimes I feel like our pre-occupation with the number on the scale is ridiculous. There are beautiful fat people. There are beautiful skinny people and beautiful in between people. There are healthy fat people. There are unhealthy skinny people.

I've always wrote that I never really thought I would be thin. My goal has always been to be thinner so that I can move around comfortably and not be limited by my weight and I still feel this way. Do I think I'll ever be under 200 pounds? No, I don't. Am I okay with that? Yes I am. If I can fly in an airplane or go to a concert with minimal seat spillage, if I can comfortably wipe my ass in a tiny bathroom stall, then, I'm doing okay.

I'm making earnest attempts to love myself as is right now. I wear cute clothes every day. I'm going out. I'm dancing. I'm smiling and talking to people more. At the moment I feel like I have to represent the big girls. We are beautiful. We are graceful. We are confident. We are sexy. We are intelligent. Fuck shame. Fuck disgust. Fuck feeling like we're not good enough. We are good enough.

I might take a break from here for a little while, but I will be back. Developing a healthy relationship with food is a big part of my life and of course, as I've said again and again, it's all connected. Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy spirit. But right now, I think it's more important to focus on my mind and spirit.

I really apprciate this outlet and I really appreciate this community. It feels incredible to know that there are folks out there that actually want to hear what I have to say. It's uplifting and I'm very grateful. :-D

So until next time, and I promise, there will be a next time, be well!

The Dumpee Diet

2009-04-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of March I was weighing around 290. This morning: 275. Wow. I should get shitty boyfriends who dump me for their best friend more often.

Not really, of course. March felt like a total disaster, complete with fuzzy moments of insane jealousy, utter madness, crying, screaming, cussing, a little egg throwing, some kicking and punching, some bingeing, a lot of starving, restless sleep and a few regrets.

But that is over. He's gone gone gone. I'm moving on and embracing my awesome, single life filled with exciting and sexy adventures!

I'm also getting therapy. Dude, I need it.

I've been back in starvation mode for over a week now. I'm not deliberately not eating, it's just when your nerves are all revved up, it does painful things to your stomach. I'm getting hungry again though, and I plan on getting back on track and taking care of my body the way I'm trying to take care of my mind and spirit. It all goes together anyways.

Next week is spring break. My sister and I are renting a car and exploring this glorious state! She wants to see everything there is to see in San Francisco, I want to explore the beaches and do some hiking at the Pt. Reyes Seashore. We have time to do both and I can't wait!

I still have moments of depression, but I'm a lot better for the most part. I realized that I have a rich life, with good friends who know practically everything about me and still love me, an awesome job where I get to read stories to enthusiastic children, a kick ass apartment, poetry, flowers and a fuzzy cat. I enjoy my own company and I am content.

Honesty, or What I Really Ate Yesterday

2009-03-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Like I said before, my appetite is back with a vengeance. Last night I was in bed, feeling sorry for myself and thinking about everything I ate on Friday. It wasn't pretty. I thought maybe I should write it all down and look up the caloric content.

I need to own up to my eating habits and disorders. When I totaled everything, I was appalled. What did I really expect though? I mean, I had an ultimate cheeseburger from Jack in the Box for breakfast at 8:00 am. With a diet coke, thank you.

So here is me owning up. Fridays menu:

Fiber one bar - 140 cal
Ultimate cheeseburger - 1010 cal (holy sh*t!)
Small fry - 330
Diet coke - 0 (you need a diet coke when you're eating a 1010 calorie burger)
Yogurt - 100
Gyro - 500 (I'm guessing around this much)
French fries - 430
Small bag of chocolate Cadbury eggs - 210
Brownies - 500
4 small powdered donettes - 240
2 Hostess cupcakes - 340
Some random potatoes - 120

Grand total = 4020 calories

Yeah. 4020 calories.

I've been really down lately. I wish I could write on this blog that I'm a strong person and I'm already over the events of the last couple of weeks and moving on okay, but I'm having a lot of issues. I feel so lonely. The douche and I are still talking, and I need to stop talking to him because it makes me more crazy.

Last night I was dying to go out and maybe see a band and dance a little. I had tentative plans with a friend to go to a local bar and she ended up flaking. I thought about going out by myself, but was too afraid. In my earlier 20's I used to go out by myself sometimes and it was never a big deal. I don't know why I have this fear now. So I was really bummed out. I went to my mom's, where I ate the powdered donuts and cupcakes and potatoes. I left early and came home and just sat around, feeling bad.

I wish my friends lived closer. I wish the local friends I have were more reliable. I wish I had the courage to just go out and do the things I want without the fear of rejection. I wish I could get over the fact that I got dumped and move on with my life. I wish I could stop eating like a heifer. I just wish I was stronger.

I don't know what to do to get over this rut. Even I'm tired of this pity party. Some days I feel okay, then I just get down again. I want to turn my brain off and be okay. I want to go back to last May when I first started this blog and be full of enthusiasm and optimism, ready to tackle my issues full force.

Oh well. I know this won't last forever. Thanks for bearing through with me.

Back with a vengeance!

2009-03-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

I couldn't eat anything after the whole break up thing. For over a week, I maybe ate a yogurt and a granola bar during the course of a day. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, I could ALWAYS eat. But for some reason, the anxiety, the stress, the hurt, I just couldn't eat. I wasn't hungry. When I tried to eat, it made me more upset, as well as nauseous. Weird, huh? Usually strong emotions are the cause for overeating. I don't get it.

But lately, as I've been feeling better, my appetite has come back...with a vengeance! I had this feeling that once I started eating again, it would be hard to stop, and I was right. These past couple of days I've been grubbin!.

I don't even want to weigh myself. I know that not eating for a week, and then following that with a few fast food pig outs has probably wreaked havoc on my metabolism. Oh well.

I've been keeping busy. I went to the opera with my sister, cosmic bowling with friends. I made a list of 101 things I want to do in 1001 days. Good ol' list making!

I haven't eaten a good, healthy meal in a long time. I haven't even cooked in weeks. And I usually love cooking. I'm still depressed, but I'm not nearly as upset or angry as I was two weeks ago.

I keep trying to sit down and think about what kinds of meals I want to make and what kind of activities I want to start doing to get this freakin' diet back on track, but now just doesn't seem like the time. I'm still feeling a need to focus on my self-esteem, rather than the particulars of weight loss, otherwise, this whole thing is kinda pointless. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna live life and have fun and carpe diem.

Update

2009-03-05T10:57:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was awful. I was running on practically no sleep, I was a weepy, emotional mess.

My girlfriends were really nice about everything, my sister too. Some offered to key his car, my good friend Rashawnda took me out to dinner and we talked about Vh1 reality shows and it helped to take my mind off things, although I could hardly stomach food. I still can't.

I asked him to come over because I felt like I needed some closure and a real, truthful explanation to my face.

So he came over.

What it pretty much came down to was this:

This girl, his friend, was really just an excuse (at least that's what he said, I don't really believe it completely). I guess he had this on his mind for a while and for some stupid reason, thought it better to just string me along than be honest and up front with me. He said that he feels like he's getting older and that it's not going to go much further than where it's at. He said, "come on, it's not like we could ever live together or anything. We'd kill each other!"

I had to agree. It's true. He is 8 years older than me and I never really expected to be with him as long as we were together and I would never in a million years agree to live with him or anything. As much as he is a part of my life, he still drives me crazy and gets on my nerves. I think we both knew that eventually it was going to end, but that doesn't make it any less painful. When you hang out with someone so much, for years, you grow an attachment to them. I'm still really sad. I'm still really upset.

He said he thinks we can be friends. I don't know. I feel like I'm not ready to give him up, but I said if he does start a relationship with that girl (who I wish would die, I'm so full of hate and anger still), that I could never be his friend, I would never get over the fact that he dumped me for her. He said more than likely, nothing would happen between them, they would still just be friends, but I don't believe him. I know now what a liar he is.

I don't understand why men lie. They think they are doing you a favor by not hurting you, but they always get found out and by then, it seems like even more of a betrayal. Why weren't you just honest from the start?

Now is the time for me to put myself first. Maybe this is good. I need to learn to love myself more. I can say how awesome I think I am until the cows come home, but do I really believe it? Breaking up with someone is a major blow to your ego. You begin to wonder why the person you were with doesn't love you. Aren't you lovable? You wonder what it is about you that turned them away, what wasn't good enough. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to feel like I need another person's validation to have self worth. I should just have it.

I have a lot to work on, my issues with food being a major concern. I've been so upset, I haven't really been able to eat anything without wanting to throw it back up. But I know when the physical symptoms of stress and heartbreak are over, I'll probably begin bingeing like I have been for the past month. How do I learn to love myself enough to know that I'm worth more than burgers and pizza and cookies?

That's really what this whole thing is about. If I can't love me, I'll never get past overeating, I'll never live the healthy life I want.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.

Heart broken

2009-03-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not doing so well today and really just need to vent...

Last night I was dumped by my "boyfriend." I'm not really sure he was ever really my boyfriend, but we did spend 2 1/2 years seeing each other all the time, being intimate with each other, going on dates. He took me out all the time and bought me really expensive gifts during the holidays. Then all of the sudden...

He's had this lady friend, his best friend, since before I knew him. I asked him when we first started going out what the deal was with her and he said that they were just really good friends, but he'd never get with her, that would be like getting together with his sister. Over the next two years, I asked him from time to time but he always denied that there was anything there but friendly business. And I believed him. I mean, we spent most of our time together, how would he even have time to date another person?

During this last Christmas, I guess they got in a fight because he bought me a laptop and it made her upset. Then recently he told me they were talking again and hanging out.

Then he started acting weird and distant. I called him last night and found out he had been at her place. I said, please tell me the truth, what is up with this whole situation?

And he says "I have feelings for Tiffany. I always have, couldn't you tell?"

I thought it was some cruel joke. I couldn't believe my fucking ears.

Then he says he told her before but she didn't want to be with him, but now she's showing interest and he wants to pursue her.

What the fuck?

What a fucking douchebag. How does someone lie to you for over 2 years? How does someone spend so much time and money on you, leading you on for over 2 years?

I was up all night, I got maybe an hour of sleep. My heart was pounding. When I finally fell asleep, I woke up drenched in sweat and I threw up. I feel so sick. How could he do this to me? What the fuck is wrong with him?

And he had the nerve to tell me he is still my friends, that we were always just friends having fun and he still wants that. What kind of friend is that? My friends don't mentally and emotionally fuck me over.

I hate this. I hate that I'm second guessing myself. What does this bitch have that's so fucking special? She's divorced with 2 kids. Seriously? WTF??? I'm way awesome, doesn't he see that? I've done everything I could to make him happy since we started seeing each other. What a waste of time.

I think the worst thing is that most of my good friends live so far away, most in other states, and the few friends I have locally have families and are generally busy. He's become my best friend here, he's the person I hang out with and do stuff with all the time and now I feel like I don't have anybody. It's just me by myself now. I guess I need to learn to be okay with that.

I have so much hate and anger in my heart right now. I want this bitch to die. I want to fuck up his property. But I know that won't solve anything.

I'm shocked. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry.

Obligatory POM post!

2009-02-26T13:31:00.001-08:00

I was contacted not so long ago by the POM blogger, with an offer to receive a free case of POM Wonderful pomegranate juice. Thanks POM blogger!

As my mom said, "It's the same shape as you!" Thanks Mom... I just so happen to think curves really are sexy.

It's pretty good. And has a buttload of health benefits. And most importantly, it's great mixed with:

Pomegranate juice, do you take this cherry vodka to have and to hold, from this day forward, til death do you part?

I do!

Home clutter : Body clutter

2009-02-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

It's been weeks and I'm still in this funky mood. Just tired, depressed, anxious...

I don't want to feel this way. It sucks.

I'm going to make an earnest attempt to eat healthy this week. I have a feeling the foods I'm eating and the lack of exercise are major contributors to me feeling like crap and my huge lack of energy.

So I made a menu for the week because a) I like making menus and lists and b) if I don't plan ahead, I'll get lazy and eat fast food and Cinnamon Toast Crunch everyday.

Here's what it looks like:

Monday

Breakfast: Fiber 1 granola bar, yogurt

Lunch: Open (I didn't pack anything! I'll probably get a bean, rice and cheese burrito)

Dinner: Taco Salad

Tuesday

Breakfast: Banana nut oatmeal, yogurt

Lunch: Taco salad

Dinner: Lasagna rolls

Wednesday

B: Banana nut oatmeal, yogurt

L: Lasagna rolls

D: Chicken and green bean stirfry over rice

Thursday

B: Banana nut oatmeal, yogurt

L: Chicken and green bean stirfry, rice

D: Some bean soup that I have in a package

Friday

B: Oatmeal, yogurt

L: Soup

D: Roast pork and veggies

This is a start. Physically I haven't been feeling the best either. No matter what I eat, my stomach always feels a little upset, I always feel just a little bit nauseous, but it's nothing like the flu I had last week. My mom thinks it's gallbladder problems. She had them and so did my grandmother. I'm hoping that if I can get back on track with eating healthier foods, I'll just magically feel better.

More than eating healthy, I've decided the single best thing I can do for my health this week is CLEAN MY FREAKIN' APARTMENT! It's so messy and cluttery and getting dirtier and dirtier everyday. When I wake up in the morning and I look around my bedroom, there's clothing all over the place, papers and books all over the floor, and I think, why am I living in this mess? No wonder I feel this way. If I treat my home like a waste bin, of course I'll treat my body that way too. When I see dirty dishes in the kitchen sink for days, of course I'm not going to want to cook a healthy meal. When my dining table (which is really an everything table) is covered with junk mail, sale papers, and other random crap, I'm not going to want to sit down and eat slowly.

My closets are all unorganized messes. My desk is overflowing with papers and books. I have all these books and stuff from work cluttering my place too. When I'm sitting on the couch watching tv, I think, I should get up and do something, but then I look around and feel overwhelmed. I feel the same way about my body and my attempts to live a healthier life. Overwhelmed. And when you're overwhelmed, you just let it keep overwhelming you until you feel practically helpless. What's the point? It'll just get messy again. I'll just start overeating again.

I think if I get my apartment cleaned up, and for the record, it's not a complete dump, like the extreme hoarders you see on talk shows, there's just so much stuff and it's all over the place and I am the type of person who cannot concentrate or be happy when there's a mess around me. So if I get my place cleaned up, it will be like replacing the bad energy with good, clean energy and I will be able to concentrate on my health and my mental state a little bit better.

I have no doubt in my mind that by the end of next weekend, I'll be sitting a sparkling, clean, mostly organized apartment. I actually made a list of tasks to do everyday until it's done, so that it won't be so overwhelming and I can tackle it one thing at a time. Today I will do the dishes, I will take out all of the garbages, I will clean off my dining table and I will gather up all the crap from work and bring it back to work.

I know that cleaning my apartment won't solve all my problems, but it will contribute to my general well being. Plus, it will get me moving a bit, instead of coming home from work and vegging out in front of the tv, or playing spider solitaire for hours on end.

So here's hoping for a funky mood blasting, productive week ahead!

Everyone's sick, I'm no exception

2009-02-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

Last week, the flu, or something like the flu, kicked my ass out of binge mode. Something was bound to break sooner or later.

I'm not really sure it was the flu because I'd been treating my body like crap for a couple of weeks prior and was feeling the effects of it most of that time. Headaches, stomach aches, indigestion and heartburn. Then on Tuesday night I went to Costco with my mom and I ordered a chicken bake. I ate it when I got home and it didn't taste very good, but I ate it anyways. The rest of the night, I had horrible indigestion and it felt like there was a rock sitting in my stomach. I went to bed early and woke up a couple of hours later and that's when the vomiting began.

I never throw up unless I drink too much. I hate vomiting. I know I could never be bulimic. Whenever I throw up, my face feels like it's going to explode and my eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my head. Then I have little red specks all over my face for days afterwards and my eyes get bloodshot. My whole body aches for days. It's kinda scary and obviously unpleasant.

Anyways, I don't know if my stomach just couldn't handle any more food or if it really was the flu, but I couldn't even stand the thought of eating for a few days after that. It wasn't until Saturday that I started getting my appetite back, but even now, the thought of eating certain foods makes me grimace.

How's that for an intervention? Divine intervention!

Of course, once I got my appetite back, I ate chocolate Valentine candy and cupcakes and creamy gratin potatoes and food that was not healthy by any means. I quickly forgave myself. Afterall, I was eating nothing but saltines and diet ginger ale for like 3 days!

I'm still not feeling motivated about this health thing, this freakin' diet thing. But I don't want to feel like I was feeling prior to Tuesday. I really felt physically crappy even before the flu symptoms crept in. Whenever I get to feeling that way, the hypochondriac me freaks out and I think I'm having a heart attack, or a stroke, or I have cancer, or I'm pregnant, and the symptoms only get worse because I am essentially talking myself into a panic attack. I feel healthy right now, as in "not sick" healthy. And that's great, because I've been feeling sick in one way or another for a while. For now I'm gonna attempt to eat healthy food and keep setting 3 simple goals a day.

Today, I will do these three things for my health:

1) Take my multi-vitamin and fish oil supplements

2) Drink 3-4 bottles of water

3) Move for 20 minutes

What three things will you do for your health today?

Intervention

2009-02-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

I know I've been not posting as much lately.

That's because I've been shoving food into my piehole, with both hands, so it makes it hard to type!

I think I need an intervention. Where all the people who care about me sit me down and look at me, all teary eyed, and tell me how they want me to be around for a long time because I'm awesome, but they're afraid they're gonna lose me at an early age because I can't stop eating food that's really terrible for me. Then they can send me to adult fat camp, like The Biggest Loser, where I can get my shit together.

I keep beating myself up mentally because I can't get my shit together by myself. I've been depressed and anxious lately. I get this way sometimes. I let a lot of thoughts bother me, I let irrational fears occupy my mind, I stress out about things I can't control and lose control of the things I can. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should and I don't know if that is a symptom or the cause of the way I've been feeling. I feel tired and I can't shut my thoughts down.

I'm not even hungry most of the time I eat. I just keep eating until I'm uncomfortably and my stomach hurts even when I yawn and I have indigestion, yet I'm still thinking about what I'm going to eat next. Not because I want it, because it's there and it tastes good. Because I can, even though I don't really want to.

Everytime I get on the scale, I expect it to say 302 lbs again, but it's not that high. Then in my messed up head, I think, awesome, I can eat more, I haven't gained it all back yet! Then I think, what the hell is wrong with me that I'm still not getting it and then I think about this blog and having to write yet another whiny post where I feel awful that I'm an binge eater who can't get a grip, and sometimes I do get a grip, but then I lose it again.

Most of the time, I don't really believe in myself. I don't believe that I can lose this weight, that I can live a healthy life. I just don't. I try to talk myself up, and tell myself that I'm strong and can do this and deserve it, but deep down, I don't really believe it. I don't know how to make myself believe it. Losing weight, when you've gotten used to a certain quality of life, when you've been fat your entire life, is a constant battle. I don't want to battle. Is there any other way though? Battle or continue on your self destructive path...

Perhaps if I start moving again, my mood will shift a little. This morning, in my normal pen and paper journal I wrote down three things I will do for my health today. Even if I mess everything else up, I will at least do these three things:

1) Eat a healthy breakfast

2) Take my multi-vitamin

3) Move for 30 minutes. It could be walking, bicycling, or even dancing around my living room. I will move my body for 30 minutes today.

I really hate feeling this way and even though I don't really believe in myself and feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, I have to do something. So even if it's just 3 things today, at least I tried and did something.

Happy fruits

2009-02-03T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite food containers. I got it from the Japanese dollar store and I always put my yogurt/berry snack in it.

Happy fruits is very delicious.

I will eat this and will beome

fortunate all together!

Ha! I'm pretty sure something got lost in the translation there, but it still makes me smile every time I look at it. I love bento boxes!

This weekend wasn't so bad. I ate a lot of food, but not all bad foods. I also exercised! Something got into me. I woke up on Saturday morning and felt like moving. So I searched through all the On Demand cable exercise programs and decided to start with their "easy" yoga. It was so not easy, but I still managed to do a little. Then I switched to the "1 mile jog" program. Why I went for a jog when they had plenty of 1 mile walks, I don't know. But you know...it wasn't so bad. My heart rate was up, I broke a little sweat, it was only about 20 minutes long and dare I say...it was kinda fun! I'm gonna do it again this week!

While searching through the exercise programs on Cable On Demand, I saw they had a Biggest Loser Boot Camp with Bob program. I tried it out, but there was a lot of squatting involved. I definitely don't do squatting, and if you could hear the sounds my knees make when I try, you would know why!

So here's the menu for the week of February 2nd:

Tuesday

Breakfast: Apple cinnamon oatmeal w/ pecans, banana

Snack: Blueberries and yogurt

Lunch: Tamale pie (a delicious dish I got from America's Test Kitchen, but I made it with ground turkey), salad

Snack: 100 calorie popcorn

Dinner: Black bean soup

Wednesday

Breakfast: Apple cinnamon oatmeal w/ pecans, banana

Snack: Blueberries and yogurt

Lunch: Black bean soup

Snack: 1/2 turkey sandwich, celery w/ peanut butter

Dinner: Steak, small baked potato, roasted veggies

Thursday

Breakfast: Banana nut oatmeal

Snack: Yogurt

Lunch: Turkey sandwich, chips (just a few!), apple

Snack: Celery w/ peanut butter

Dinner: Chicken Fajita Salad

Friday

Breakfast: Banana nut oatmeal

Snack: Yogurt

Lunch: Chicken fajita salad

Snack: 100 calorie popcorn, celery w/ pb

Dinner: Ham & pineapple pizza (homemade)

Thankfully, all the crazy cravings from last week are gone. Well mostly... I mean, I could always eat a hamburger and fries, but I won't slap my mama for them like I would've last week! Ha!

So, back to the grind...

Reverse Anorexia, a Testimonial, and a sorta menu

2009-01-28T09:06:00.000-08:00

In December, the school district librarian came to my school and filmed an activity that I like to do with the kids. It's basically a scavenger hunt, where I hide paper gingerbread men in a couple of books and then they get clues with book call numbers on them that will eventually lead them to one of the gingerbread men. It's a lot of fun and one of the kids' favorite activities. I knew she was coming that day to film it, so of course I dressed up all cute in my skirt and stockings, she came and that was that.

So this past Monday, we had a staff development day and she says she's going to show it to everyone! I knew that if she was filming it, somebody would eventually be watching it, but I figured it would be on the library blog or maybe she'd send it in an e-mail. I didn't think I would have to sit there and watch myself while every other librarian in the district also watched.

It was so embarrassing! The whole time, all I could see was my fat! My fat face... my double chin! Then I turned around in the film and there was all this back fat! Damn, my back is fat! My huge boobs... Does my voice really sound like that? And did I mention the double chin and back fat?

It was not a very good experience for me. I know that you are your own worst critic, and probably nobody else was watching it and thinking about how fat I am, they always see me that way I guess, and they were probably focusing on the activity in the film. But then I got to thinking...

When I look in the mirror, I see myself and I think I look good. Then when I see photos or a film, I think I look awful and not to mention way fatter. I mean, I know I'm fat, but I seriously do not see myself being as fat as I really am. I get dressed in the morning, look in the full length mirror and think, "Damn, I look cute today!" or "I could pass for a size 16 today!"

It sucks because when you leave the house thinking you're hot, then a week later you see pictures from the same day you think "Did I really look like that? I thought I looked great on that day!" Or the dreaded realization, "Wow, I really am that fat."

Why do I have this distorted image of myself? It's like when a stick thin anorexic person looks in the mirror and they see a fat person, I look in the mirror and see a pleasantly plump cutie, rather than a morbidly obese woman with bulging back fat.

Maybe if I could see my body for what it really looks like, I would stop making excuses and take weight loss more seriously. Perhaps I just have really high self esteem. Or maybe I'm crazy and delusional. Who knows?

Well onto the business of dieting...

Do you see that beautiful menu in the previous post? The one with all that healthy food and the calories already added up? Yeah...I don't think I ate ANY of that food.

When it gets toward a certain time of the month, I get ravenous. I get cravings for beef and potatoes, pepperoni pizza, hamburgers and french fries. I can think of nothing else. I usually recognize the cravings, because they always come around the same time, and instead of doing what I should've done, which is re-work my menu to satisfy some of those cravings in a healthier way, I just went crazy and gave in to them and essentially tossed the menu out the window.

It was a hard week. First there was the four day weekend, I had gotten in an argument with my best friend, I've been sick for what seems like forever, and my boyfriend was really getting on my nerves. So I ate. And ate. And ate.

On Monday, I woke up with a food hangover. On Sunday I had eaten like 3 bowls of Cocoa Puff, a 1/2 bag of potato chips, some leftover roast beef, a bunch of movie popcorn, and then ended the day with a 10 inch Philly Cheesesteak and onion rings. I felt completely crappy on Monday morning. Then I had to watch that damn video!

I still didn't eat completely healthy these past couple of days, but I'm working on getting back on track. I still have a sore throat and for some strange reason my tongue hurts. I think I need to have my tonsils taken out. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it next week.

Last night I finally made the Ginger Beef and Green Bean Stirfry that I had planned on making last week. It was delicious! And healthy! Sometimes, it doesn't take long to forget how good some healthy foods taste when you're eating double cheeseburgers from Burger King.

And let me say, thank the lord for Debbie Meyer's Green Bags! All the produce I bought almost a week and a half ago is thankfully still good and fresh and I feel better for not having wasted a bunch of food. Even the blueberries I bought over a week ago were still good this morning! I was amazed, usually they're bad within days. If you waste a lot of produce, I highly recommend this product.

So here's what I'm gonna try out for the rest of the week. I'm still trying to satisfy my meat and potato cravings. I'm not counting calories. My goal is to try to use the vegetables I have in the fridge and avoid fast food while making myself happy and without a feeling of deprivation.

Wednesday

Breakfast - Banana nut oatmeal with a splash of milk

Snack - Yogurt with blueberries

Lunch - Beef and green bean stirfry with white rice

Snack - Apple

Dinner - Chicken with roasted potatoes and vegetables

Thursday

Breakfast - Pumpkin butter oatmeal w/ walnuts

Snack - Yogurt with blueberries

Lunch - Chicken salad in a whole wheat pita pocket, applesauce, roasted veggies

Snack - Granola bar

Dinner - Baked potato soup w/ broccoli

Friday

Breakfast - Scrambled egg, cheese and ham in a whole wheat pita pocket

Snack - Yogurt w/ blueberries

Lunch - Potato soup with broccoli

Snack - Sliced apple and almond butter

Dinner - Carne asada taco salad

I'll see how I'm feeling by Saturday. Hopefully better.

Menu for the Week of January 19th

2009-01-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

Happy MLK Jr. Day! With Obama's inauguration tomorrow and King's birthday observed today, it's a wonderful week to reflect on how far our nation has come because of the courage and determination of intelligent, strong, fearless, charismatic, service oriented people who had a passion for justice and equality. I've always known how lucky I am to live in this great country, and it really is great. And today, more than ever, I feel proud of our accomplishments, proud of our president, and proud to be an American! I hope that we can all be filled with the spirit of folks like Dr. Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, Cesar Chavez, Mother Jones, Harvey Milk and countless other Americans who dedicated their lives in the hopes that everyone could be free to live the kind of life that they desire, without discrimination. Cheers to that!

Okay, now back to the diet part of this blog!

I'm actually blogging from home, rather than work, for the first time ever. I got a new laptop for Christmas!! Hooray!

It's a long weekend for me, with today being a holiday, and I decided to take tomorrow off to watch the inauguration, and weekends are typically hard for me when it comes to eating healthy. And I've been under the weather for over a week now, which is really frustrating, especially when you feel like you've been doing everything right to stay healthy. Seriously, not only have I been eating healthy, I've been taking my daily multi-vitamin, along with a few other supplements, I wash my hands before I eat every meal, yet still I'm sick. So on Saturday, when I was out shopping, I caved and got a McNugget mini meal from McDonalds. It's not that bad a choice calorie wise, as far as fast food goes, but I still wanted to stay away from drive throughs. Oh well, you can't be perfect all the time!

So here's the plan for the week. Hopefully it works out alright as far as sticking to it.

Monday
Breakfast: Burrito w/ one scrambled egg, 3 slices bacon, whole wheat tortilla, 1 oz cheese, small glass of orange juice - 450 calories
Snack: Blackberries and yogurt - 156 cal
Lunch: BBQ Chicken Chop Salad (minus the fried onions) - 450 cal
Snack: Apple - 100 cal
Dinner: Mediterranean Grain Salad (thanks Skinny Dreaming for the idea to use up the rest of my bulgur wheat that's been in my fridge for months) - 370 cal
Total Calories - 1526
Tuesday
Breakfast: 2 slices of whole wheat French toast with lite syrup and blueberries - 400 cal
Snack: Blackberries and yogurt - 150 cal
Lunch: Chicken quesedilla and small salad - 500 cal
Snack: Sliced apple with 1 tbsp almond butter - 180 cal
Dinner: Roasted Vegetable Soup and flatbread - 370 cal
Total Calories - 1600
Wednesday
Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts, banana - 285 cal
Snack: Blueberries and yogurt - 150 cal
Lunch: Roasted veggie soup and flatbread - 370 cal
Snack: Apple - 100 cal
Dinner: Beef and green bean stirfry over rice - 440 cal
Total Calories - 1345
Thursday
Breakfast: Oatmeal with applesauce and walnuts, banana - 285 cal
Snack: Yogurt - 170 cal
Lunch: Beef and green bean stirfry over rice -440 cal
Snack: Orange - 60 cal
Dinner: Black bean soup, quesedilla with roasted peppers - 550 cal
Total Calories - 1505
Friday
Breakfast: Oatmeal with applesauce and walnuts, banana - 285 cal
Snack: Yogurt with fruit - 150 cal
Lunch: Black bean soup, whole wheat tortilla, small salad - 500 cal
Snack: Apple - 100 cal
Dinner: Who knows???
Total Calories (without dinner) - 1035

As you can see, I had a lot of extra time on my hands, so I just added up all the calories beforehand. Hopefully I can kick this weird illness (it's not a cold, not the flu... just feeling sick) and get motivated to move a little more. The scale is stuck on 283, it would be nice to see it move down a little!

Be well!

Why don't I do this more often?

2009-01-15T13:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day here! The air was crisp, the sky was blue, the grass was green. It was like spring in January. Granted, I do live in California, but the weather this week has just been amazing. Not too hot, not too cold.

I decided to cut out of work early and head down to the marina to take a walk at one of my favorite parks in Berkeley. It was gorgeous! I took pictures!

Complete with ferocious wildlife!

It was really just a relaxing stroll. I had to take a break a couple of times because my lower back began aching and then would go numb. But it felt good to be out, moving my body, in the fresh air with all the beautiful scenery. My heart felt full. I should do this more often.

One of my dreams is to be fit enough to hike. I mean, really hike. Like several miles through national parks. When I was in high school, I was in the environmental club and we would go on a lot of hikes around the bay area. Once we went to the Santa Cruz mountains and hiked for what seemed like 10 miles. It probably really was 10 miles. I was so sore the next day, I couldn't walk! Even though I was big back then, I thought I was pretty healthy and I was used to walking a lot (I walked 2 miles everyday just getting to and from school, not counting PE class on top of that), but that hike kicked my ass.

Sometimes these days, when I'm feeling good and my back feels strong, I go for hikes, but they're always short and easy. Maybe 2-3 miles at most on pretty level terrain. I learned from this experience that hiking alone can be scary, and even when someone says a hike is easy, it's not always. But mostly it's enjoyable, to be outside and surrounded by nature. It's hard to be angry or bitter or even frustrated when there's so much beauty to take in.

And one day I know I'll be able to travel and walk through the places I so badly want to see. No, I don't want to drive through the Grand Canyon, I want to hike through it! No, I don't want to see Yosemite from the window of a car, I want to stand in it, breathe it in, see it slowly on foot.

That's one reason I'm on this freakin' diet.

Counting the calories

2009-01-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

I don't count calories everyday, I usually just estimate. But when I really want to make sure I'm on track, I know I need to add 'em up. I figure, since my menu is kinda stays the same, I only really need to count every once in a while. So here's how they're adding up for today:

Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts - 220

Banana - 65

Yogurt with blueberries and kashi - 180

Taco Salad - 550

Apple - 55

Roasted vegetable soup - 200

Bread & Olive Oil - 230

TOTAL - 1,500 exactly! Wow, I didn't even expect that!

Of course, this is what it will be if I don't do any munching in the meantime. I'm feeling good and motivated though, so I'm not worried.

Take care!

Menu for Week of January 12th

2009-01-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that I had a great weekend of good decisions and healthy eating! I never really plan my menu for the weekends, I figure I need some free days to maybe eat what I want, but still try not to go crazy. I went to the grocery store with my sister on Friday. She went for ice cream and I thought to myself, "maybe I'll get some ice cream too, it is Friday." But instead I got some fresh produce. Last night my boyfriend and I went to the theater and saw Seven Pounds (how ironic? A movie with weight measurements in the title). He always gets a huge bucket of popcorn every single time we go to the movies. He said he wasn't going to get any this time because I have a cold (oh the perks of working with children!) and he didn't want my germy hands in the bucket. I said I didn't want any anyways, so when he gave in and got the bucket, I was still able to resist!

Instead of fully indulging myself, I ate veggie omelets and whole wheat toast for breakfast, fresh fruit and yogurt as snacks, leftover vegetable pizza and a salad and chicken and vegetable stirfry over brown rice for dinner. You know, I'm proud of me!

So here's a the plan for this week:

Monday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts, banana

Snack: Blueberries and yogurt with a sprinkle of Kashi Go Lean crunch cereal on top

Lunch: Chicken and vegetable stirfry with brown rice

Snack: Apple

Dinner: Ground turkey taco salad

Tuesday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts (my new fave, can you tell?), banana

Snack: Blueberries and yogurt with a sprinkle of Kashi Go Lean crunch

Lunch: Taco salad

Snack: Apple or Orange

Dinner: Roasted Vegetable Soup with parmesan cheese and just a little whole wheat french bread drizzled with olive oil

Wednesday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts, pear

Snack: Yogurt

Lunch: Roasted vegetable soup, bread

Snack: Apple

Dinner: Roasted chicken, small baked potato, salad

Thursday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts, pear

Snack: Yogurt

Lunch: Taco salad

Snack: Apple

Dinner: Roasted vegetables tossed with olive oil and whole wheat penne pasta sprinkled with parmesan

Friday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts, banana

Snack: Yogurt

Lunch: Roasted veggies and pasta

Snack: Apple with almond butter

Dinner: To Be Announced

I try to plan to eat the food I already have because I have this problem buying food and then storing it away and never eating it. You should see my cupboards and freezer! It looks like I'm going to feed a family of 4, rather than just myself. I used to be addicted to shopping for clothing. I thought I overcame that addiction, but in reality I just transfered it to grocery shopping. It's something I'm working on along with my weight, so I'm trying to only make 1 or maybe 2 trips to the grocery store a week, but only for fresh produce, since it'll go bad if I try to buy it all at once. Although now I have those cool green bags that actually work, so I feel more confident buying fruits and veggies, knowing they'll last longer than usual.

So there's that. Last week was successful, and I have confidence that this week will be too. I stuck to my menu, I rode my stationary bike most days. My weight is down, but I think it must be water weight because it's down quite drastically. About 10 pounds. Too amazing to be true. Maybe I'm not really fat, just bloated! Ha!

Until next time...

The hows and whys

2009-01-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not the only Oprah lover out there! I've been making sure I'm home by 4 pm all week so that I can watch her "Best Life" week of shows. Health, weight, finances, spirituality - all the stuff I need to work on - have been the topics this week.

Bob Greene, Oprah's trainer and author of The Best Life Diet, was on Monday. The show was all about listening to Oprah talk about how she fell off the wagon, and now weighs a hideous and embarrassing 200 pounds. Now, as much as I love Oprah, sometimes she gets on my nerves. I mean, I wish I was 200 pounds! Ha! So after listening to her talk about her thyroid, weight and new diet plan for most of the show, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed.

But it wasn't all bad...

I've read The Best Life Diet. Both Bob and Oprah are strong believers in the idea that if you are fat, there are hidden emotional issues under all the weight. I believe this too. So Bob Greene asks you to ask yourself "Why are you overweight?" You know, besides liking food. A lot.

I've struggled with this question for a while. It's hard. You think to yourself, "I like to eat things that are bad for me because they taste so good!"

If it's true that you'll never really lose the weight until you deal with your emotional issues, I better get down to the business of figuring this question out.

I'm fat because I'm addicted to how I feel when I'm tasting something good, even if it's unhealthy and the blissful feeling is only temporary.

I'm fat because when I eat something deliciously unhealthy, I feel like I'm rewarding myself in some way. I feel like I should have the right and that I deserve to eat whatever I want. I feel like whatever the reason, food will make the occasion more special.

I'm fat because I have a hard time being assertive and saying no to others and to myself. I'm afraid that if I say no to someone, they will take it personally and stop liking me. When people offer me food or ask me to go out to restaurants, I want to say no, but I never do. Of course, this issue extends beyond food.

I'm fat because I feel like I'm used to being denied the things I desire most. Food is one of the few things I can give myself and that nobody can deny me. What is it that I desire the most? I don't know...that's really a hard one to answer. Acceptance. Success. Positive attention.

I know there's more under the surface, but like I've said, I've been struggling with this particular question for months. These things aren't easy.

The other questions Bob asks you to ask yourself is "Why have I been unsuccessful at keeping weight off in the past?" and "Why do I want to lose weight?"

Well, I guess I've never really tried that hard to lose weight. Even now I think I'm not trying that hard. Part of me doesn't see the point in trying that hard. I've always, I mean ALWAYS, been fat. Who am I to think that I can change that about myself? I'm so used to life as a fat woman, I'm a little afraid of what it might be like if I'm not. Sometimes I don't think I deserve to be thin. Everyone else in my family is fat, does that mean I think I'm better than them? Then there's having to possibly face failure. You can't fail if you don't even try, so why try and fail? These are some of the reasons I've never been able to really lose weight, or keep weight off.

I know I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy. I've answered this question before. I want to live long enough to retire and travel. I want to walk into job interviews feeling and looking confident and know that I won't be discriminated against because of my size. I want to feel like I'm in my 20's, rather than in my 40's. I want to shop for cute clothes anywhere. I want...

Have you asked yourself the real reason you're overweight? I'd love to start a dialogue with others about this topic, it's such an involved question and I still don't feel confident that I've found the reason for myself. So what do you think?

Turning saboteurs into cohorts

2009-01-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

I felt really good yesterday after posting my menu for the week. I left work and went home, craving alone time. I've been so busy the past few weeks, I've hardly had any time for myself. Although I love my friends and family, I really love being alone. After I dropped the last of my visiting friends from college off at the airport last Friday, I felt relieved. Sigh...alone at last! But no... then my sister calls and wants to come over, then my boyfriends says he's coming over after work...

I shouldn't bitch about being so loved that people want to spend time with me, but I cherish solitude! Sweet solitude, will it ever come???

Last night I thought would be my night to be alone. I was going to exercise, cook dinner, clean a little, and just chill out. About an hour after I got home my boyfriend calls and says, "Are you ready?"

Me: Ready for what?

Him: I thought we were going to get burgers tonight.

Me: I kinda wanted to stay home and make some soup.

Him: Soup?

Me: Yeah, I'm trying to get back on track with eating healthy. I don't know if you've noticed, but I am FAT.

Him: But remember? You said we'd go. I want to get a Willy burger.

Me: ::sigh:: Fine, I did say last week we'd go back to that place. ::sigh:: I'll get ready...

I was annoyed. There goes my alone time. There goes my healthy dinner plan. I toyed with the idea of just going with him and not getting anything, and then coming home and making my soup. But who am I kidding? Ha! Have you noticed that burgers are one of my downfalls?

And so, the man who told me just days ago that he was eating healthier, picked me up and we went to this diner called Hazel's. Home of the "Willy Burger."

The Willy Burger is this monstrosity of a hamburger. It's easily about 12 inches in diameter. It's the only thing that fits on the plate. It's freakin' huge! So he got a Willy and I got a regular patty melt along with the usual sides. I was stuffed after eating a regular size hamburger, I can't imagine eating that big ass burger. But he did. He ate the whole damn thing!

I felt sick to my stomach for the rest of the night. I still made soup, but only so I could bring it with me to work today for lunch. I'm determined to stick to my menu for the rest of the week.

I talked to my boyfriend on the way home from the diner. I suggested we eat out less. I mean, he did say that he was eating healthy and getting in shape to go backpacking, a hobby he shares with his dad. And I'm also trying to get healthy and in shape so that I can enjoy life more. Why not do it together?

My mother also stopped by last night. She told me that she's eating herself to death. That some nights she can hardly breathe because of indigestion. It scared me. She's very overweight, has diabetes and hypertension. She's in her 50's and takes a ton of prescribed pills daily. I'm scared for her everyday. I'm going to try to do what I can to help her take control of her eating habits. Maybe I'll invite her over to have dinner with me when I cook something healthy. I don't know. Sometimes I can hardly help myself, let alone others.

In this journey, I really should focus on myself, but I think most women know how hard that can be. When so many people want your time and attention, there's just not enough time.

If I'm forced (oh that sounds so awful, in the end it really is a decision) to spend time with people constantly, the best thing I can try to do is persuade them to join me in exploring a healthier lifestyle, so that's what I'm doing. We'll see how it works out...

Today I've done well so far. I've already posted my menu, here's the rundown on the calories for today:

Oatmeal - 100

Pumpkin butter - 40

Walnuts - 80

Banana - 65

Soup - 300

Kale - 40

Olive Oil - 100

Parmesan Cheese - 45

Apple - 100

Bread - 100

TOTAL = 970 calories, so far.

That leaves me with about 530 - 600 calories left for dinner tonight. It shouldn't be a problem. I rounded all the calories up in the food listed above, so it could be even a little less. Tonight I'm going to make my lasagna rolls and then I'm going to watch The Biggest Loser and if anyone calls...

I'll tell them I want to be ALONE!!!

Menu for Week of January 5th

2009-01-05T13:38:00.000-08:00

...but starting on the 6th because I've already had Starbucks and Zachary's pizza today! I know! I'll ride my bike while watching Oprah this evening and then make a light soup and salad for dinner. And then here's the plan for the rest of the week:

Tuesday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts / Small banana

Lunch: Lentil soup with kale, sprinkled parmesan cheese, 1 serving of crusty bread (I know I should just leave the bread off, but it's so good with the soup and the soup is so light!)

Snack: Sliced apple

Dinner: Lasagna rolls (made with whole wheat lasagna noodles, fat free cottage cheese and lots of spinach), roasted vegetable salad

Wednesday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin butter and walnuts / banana

Lunch: Lasagna rolls & salad

Snack: Yogurt and an orange

Dinner: Small steak, roasted veggies and acorn squash

Thursday

Breakfast: Yogurt with fruit and granola or cereal (for fiber!)

Lunch: Turkey sandwich, orange, a few chips (the baked kind)

Dinner: Pizza (sounds unhealthy, but it will be homemade, loaded with vegetables and the appropriate serving of cheese), salad

Friday

Breakfast: Oatmeal with fruit and nuts / Yogurt

Lunch: Leftover pizza and salad

Snack: Sliced apple with almond butter

Dinner: Roasted vegetable soup with sprinkling of parmesan cheese

So that's the plan for the week. There will possibly be some deviation from it, but I'm hoping to stick with it and get some exercise in as well. I'll probably sit down this evening and calculate the calories for each day and post those later this week, along with some recipes and photos perhaps.

I've seen the cookies and the damage done

2009-01-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years! I hope it was spent with loved ones in good spirits...

I just had two weeks of a whirlwind vacation. In fact, at this point, I'm thinking I might need another vacation to recover from this one! I had many visiting friends, I made 7 trips to the airport, did lots of touristy stuff around San Francisco and Oakland, celebrated my 29th birthday, drank way too much alcohol, did lots of walking, and lots of eating. I baked cookies, wrapped and opened gifts, was genuinely spoiled by everyone with gifts, watched my apartment go from empty and clean, to full of women and trashed, then back to empty and clean again.

So now to business...

The bad thing about starting a diet blog is that you have to admit that you sometimes fail. Big time. I started this blog to be more accountable for my health, and now I find that I'd rather just not even write than admit that I suck at this whole diet thing.

Yet I'm writing. And I suck at this diet thing.

My weight is back in the 290's. I didn't think it was going to go up that much. I know I've been eating whatever I want, but I've also been pretty active. I guess not active enough.

We all make the same ol' resolutions every year. I don't want to make another resolution to lose weight. I need to actually do it.

On December 31, 2009 I will turn 30. I don't want to be a morbidly obese 30 year old. I'll be happy just being a chubby 30 year old.

The holidays are over. Vacation is over. I don't have any excuses. Being on vacation was my binge excuse for two weeks. My girlfriends from college were visiting and we ate out a lot. I joked to one of them and said, "The only vegetables I've eaten all week were on my hamburger!" And that was the truth. I hardly ate any vegetables. Just the ones on top of my burger. Fuck it, I'm on vacation. What a crappy excuse.

Well, that's enough bitching from me. I think I'm going to utilize this blog differently. I'm going to start posting my weekly menu. Maybe then I can stick to it.

Being fat sucks most of the time

2008-12-12T13:00:00.000-08:00

But it especially sucks when you go to a concert and you're too damn fat to fit in the seats! Seriously, I know I'm larger than the average girl, but who designs these sport and concert arenas with chairs that are the same size as the chairs the kindergartners at my school sit in, but way worse because they have arms!

What brought this rant on:

Last night my plus size sister and my plus size self were stoked to be going to our local alternative radio station's yearly "Not So Silent Night" concert event. Bloc Party (my fave!), the Killers (awesome!), Death Cab for Cutie, Franz Ferdinand, and Jack's Mannequin were all playing. We had seats in the upper level.

Now, I know that most anytime I go to a concert, or fly on a plane, there's going to be some level of discomfort. It's a fact that you live with when you're fat. You know your choices are to either go and hope that it's not that bad (maybe the seat next to you will be empty and you can have some "spill" room), or not go at all, sit at home and feel shitty that your weight is keeping you from having a good time at social events. Sometimes it isn't that bad. Sometimes it's almost unbearable.

Last night was the latter. My sister and I found our section of the Oracle Arena in Oakland, way, way, way up high. Our seats were at least at the end of the row, but not in the aisle, next to a stone wall. So we made our way down. I sat smooshed up against the stone wall and my sister sat smooshed up against me. The arms on the chairs digging into our sides. It sucked.

I really felt bad for my sister. She's a bigger girl than I. First off, she's much taller. I'm about 5'2, she's about 5'11, so she literally had NO leg room. Her knees were practically pressed against the backs of the heads of the people seated in front of us. Where I'm an apple and carry most of my weight in my stomach and boobs, my sister is a pear and has a bigger booty, hips and thighs. She was so stuffed into that seat, it looked painful! I was afraid we'd need some tools to pry her out. Poor thing. Then, because the event was sold out, someone ended up coming and sitting right next to her. I looked at her and asked if she was okay and she said she was. I told her to lean over to my side anytime because I understand and don't mind being squished under the circumstances.

Let me tell you, when the Killers came on the stage at the end of the night, everyone stood up. It was such a relief to stand and dance in our one cubic foot of space!

So yeah, this obviously is not the first time I've had this type of experience. Many of my friends live out of state, and besides being broke all the time, another reason I don't really visit them is because the flying experience is pretty much the same. It's not so bad when the flight is not crowded and you have an empty seat next to you, but it's awful when you're sitting there, trying to make yourself as small as possible with your arms folded because you feel bad and embarrassed that you're taking up the space of the person next to you.

I want to lose weight because I don't want to feel limited in what I can do comfortably. I want to be able to go to any concert, to travel, see a baseball game and my weight not be a factor. It's a humiliating experience to know that other people are looking at you and and you can see it in their face that they're hoping you don't sit next to them.

That reminds me of another past incident...

My senior year of college, two of my good friends and I went on a school trip to London to study art and architecture. As part of out itinerary, we had to attend some theater events with the other students who came on the trip. One of the girls in our group was another big girl. We had this professor, who I already got strange vibes from, he was always flirting with the girls (he was like in his 60's!) and would comment on the nude painting in museums, saying things like "As you can see, the artist's idea of beauty was quite ample," in a really mocking tone. So anyways, we go to this one theater to see some play and me and the other fat girl were sitting with a seat in between us. You know, our spill seat. The professor is standing there, looking at the seat and down the aisle and he says to some students right next to us "I don't think I'm going to fit in there" as he points to our spill seat and they all snicker. What a fucking asshole. He didn't say it to me or the other girl, and we both had a good sense of humor about ourselves, he said it in front of us to the people next to us. I didn't have a single kind word to say to him or about him for the rest of the trip. My friends didn't understand why I couldn't stand him.

So back to the point...

Sometimes being fat doesn't suck, but I think that it's only because we get comfortable with the way we are and the way things are and it's not until we're put in a situation that forces us to see the reality of our size and face the discomfort that comes with living as an obese person that we realize that, yes, it really does suck. Sometimes that reality check comes in the form of a small seat at a concert, sometimes in a fitting room, a restaurant booth, when trying to walk around the block, when trying to get on top during sex (ooh, lordy, my knees hurt!). Whatever the situation, we have the choice to not live like this anymore.

P.S. I'm down from 287 to 282. Yes, I took the scale out of the closet!

Saboteurs!

2008-12-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

I want to say thank you to Skye and Tracy for the supportive comments. They really lifted me up and all this week when I would have an impulse to go through a drive through or eat a lot of unhealthy food, I would think of the things you both wrote. It definitely helps to know that other people are going through the same struggles and that we're all rooting for each other. And thanks also for the Marie Antoinette award! As soon as I get some more time, I'll put it up on the sidebar and post my nominations. I don't have a working computer at home, so work is the only place I get to blog and comment on others' blogs.

This week hasn't been so bad. I've been eating fairly well and keeping the calories low. I also went for a walk. It's crazy how when you stop walking, even for a couple of weeks, you can really feel the difference when you start again.

I weighed myself the other day and, of course, the numbers didn't change. So I decided to put my scale in the closet where I can't see it and therefore won't feel the need to step on it more than once a day. I don't know what it is, but when I see the scale sitting there, all out in the open, I feel like I have to weigh myself. Then when the number is up, or isn't changing after one day of eating, I get depressed. Of course this is not realistic and so I've decided that I'm not going to let the number on the scale determine my mood. I'm going to eat healthy food, track calories, exercise and feel good. After a week or so, I'll bring the scale back out and hopefully see some results.

I've also decided that my mother and sister are my weight loss enemies! After the holiday weekend, the weekend when I ate the equivalent of 2 pies, I was in no mood to indulge in more. Then my mom calls me on Tuesday and says she and my sister just got back from Costco and she bought a pumpkin pie and would I like some? Damn woman! Didn't you have enough during Thanksgiving?? I know she and my sister also ate the equivalent of 2 pies, because we shared them! Okay, I'm not trying to judge them and their own eating habits, but seriously, do we need to eat pie everyday until Christmas or something? I don't get it. I said, "Mom, the three of us together just ate 7 pies in 5 days. Why would you get another pie?" Her response, "But it's pumpkin!" As if that makes it healthy.

So what do you know? I did eat 1 piece. Just one. And it wasn't very good, my homemade ones are better, so it wasn't hard to not eat more. But I really do wish they would stop tempting me with all the baked goods they're always buying.

Here I go...again...

2008-12-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

So yeah, Thanksgiving, what can I say? I wonder if I should even bother keeping this diet blog when it seems like the whole diet part has completely gone out the window. I mean, I ate the equivalent of 2 pies in 5 days. That's 12 pieces of pie. I don't even want to know how many calories that is.

On Friday after Thanksgiving I woke up with a food hangover. I felt full still. I figured a hike would help, so that's what I did. At least I can say I exercised in the midst of a holiday binge.

I'm 287 pounds again.

Ugh.

I need some encouragement. I need some motivation. I need some support. I need to get my shit together. I can't live like this forever.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I know how to be successful in many aspects of my life. But when it comes to this aspect, my health and my body, I'm completely out of control. I don't understand why it's so hard. I don't understand why I have so many issues with food. I don't know what drives me to eat and eat and eat.

So here I go again. What else can I do but try to start over? I know I can't give up...what other options do I have? I want to lose weight and feel good and be a healthy person who respects herself enough to want to live her best life.

Divine intervention

2008-11-25T10:13:00.001-08:00

I'm a huge fan of the Food Network, as I've mentioned before. I mostly like to watch the actual cooking shows, but I also love Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Guy Fieri, with his white hair, gets on my last nerve, but have you seen the food on that show?! It looks so delicious, I get restless every time I watch! I mean, it's not the healthiest food you'll see on the FN, but we all deserve a treat every once in a while, right?

So anyways, this last weekend I spent a couple of days in Sacramento for a school library conference. I decided to drive to Sacramento, it's not terribly far, and I was determined that I was going to get a "Squeeze with cheese" from this small dive called The Squeeze Inn. I've actually been to this place before with a friend of mine who was also a DDD fan (the show, not my bra!! lol). We took the food to go and it was good, but I thought if I actually ate it there, it would be better.

Now, I know, I know, this is a diet blog, I shouldn't be talking about my venture to get the cheesiest, greasiest burger in California, but nevertheless...

Yes! That is cheese! Yes there is a burger underneath it! They pile shredded cheddar cheese on the burgers while they're on the grill and the cheese melts around the burger making this semi-crispy fried cheese skirt...

I'm soooooo sorry to everyone who is reading this because you are trying to kick the addiction to food and lose weight. I realize that these photos are not helping. I really am on a diet! But it's not like I'd be eating this everyday...

So back to my story. I'm all excited as I'm driving to Sacramento. I'm going to go to the Squeeze Inn first thing when they open because I know it's the only time I'll have all weekend during the conference to do it, since it wasn't close to where the conference was.

I pull in to the restaurant. It's about 9:55 am. They open at 10:00. I have to admit, I really felt like a fat girl waiting in my car for the burger joint to open at 10 in the morning! But whatever.

At 10:00 I got out of my car and a man comes around from the back of the tiny building and tells me that they're closed. I asked if I could use the restroom, thinking, he probably meant they were closed at the moment, but would be open in a few minutes. While in the restroom I'm thinking, he better not mean they're closed ALL day.

But they were. They were closed for some sort of remodeling. All day. Of all the days to be unexpectedly closed! My heart was broken.

Or maybe my heart was relieved that I didn't try to clog it up with a monstrous cheeseburger. I think maybe it was divine intervention, some higher power telling me that there was a healthier option...

I can't say I know what that healthier option was because I left and went to Jack in the Box.

The end.

NOT REALLY THE END

In other health and food related news, I'm not really doing well (could you tell by my intense desire to eat a cheeseburger?). I've gained weight and can't seem to get a grip. And Thanksgiving is a couple of days away. I always cook for my small family, just me, mom and sister. I'm going to make the traditional turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes and my new addition this year is going to be lots of roasted vegetables. Instead of the sodium and calorie filled green bean casserole, I'm going to roast fresh green beans with red onion, olive oil and a little bit of balsamic vinegar...so tasty! Roasting veggies is my favorite way to prepare them. Thanksgiving food isn't always unhealthy, but it's just that there's so much of it. I always have to remind myself that the food isn't going anywhere, that I don't have to try to eat everything in one night. I'm going to try to watch portions and not overdo it to a point that I feel like I can't walk. A food coma is not the goal of Thanksgiving.

I'm going to try to go for a few scenic walks during the long weekend as well. I think that might help me relax and put me back into the exercise mindset. I haven't walked in almost a month. I really like walking too, I don't know what's wrong. I just don't feel motivated.

Good luck to everyone over these food filled holidays. I hope they are healthy and happy!

A fat girl walks into a yoga class...

2008-11-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

Even though I've always been fat, I've always tried to be physically active. I walked 2 miles everyday in high school just to get to school and back, not to count the 4 years of PE while there. In college, several years ago, I always made it a point to fit some sort of PE class into my schedule. My first year I took aerobics, one semester I took water aerobics, which I totally loved. I wish I could find a water aerobics class around where I live now. One semester I even took yoga.

I know it sounds kinda weird. Yoga and fat people, sounds like oil and water. You want me to get on the floor and do what?!? But yoga is trendy and I was fascinated by people who practice it. I wanted to learn to meditate and be flexible and find balance. So I decided to try it. You never know what will work for you if you're not willing to try.

The yoga class I took while in college turned out to be AWESOME! The instructor was an older woman, who was patient, and although she herself was very flexible, she was really understanding and helped everyone adapt to their own style of yoga. So although I were being challenged with the poses and the amount of time I had to hold them, I never felt like I was being instructed to do something that was off the wall, no way, no how am I going to bend that way kinda stuff. Those that could stand on their head, stood on their head. Those that couldn't, found another pose that was appropriate for their level.

In yoga, I worked muscles I didn't know I had. One day my stomach was sore. I was completely taken aback! I told my roommate, "Oh my god, I have stomach muscles!!" I felt really good. I was still fat, yoga didn't take any weight off of me that I noticed ( I never weighed myself back then anyways), but I felt good and healthy. My body felt strong.

Since then I've tried to take a yoga class here and there, or have tried a yoga video once in a while but nothing compares to that class. After I graduated, I enrolled in a yoga class at a community college and I only lasted one session. I couldn't keep up with the rest of the students and I felt embarrassed that I was even there. A couple of years ago I enrolled in a yoga class at the adult school in my hometown. I ended up dropping out of that one too. I thought since it was the adult ed, there would be older adults there and it would maybe be more adaptive like my first yoga class. I was wrong. And all the videos I've tried are hard and seem a little cheesy. Sorry Rodney Yee, I'm just not feeling the beach scene.

I wonder if it's my body that's gotten so out of shape, although it had only been a few years between the first class and the next time I tried. Or maybe it's truly not meant to be - fat and yoga don't go together. Maybe it really is the classes and I just need an instructor who knows how to relate yoga to all people. I don't know.

In Berkeley, there are a lot of yoga studios and I have read that some have classes that cater to overweight people. I have yet to try one, but I'm really interested in knowing more. I would totally go to one if I had a friend who was willing to go with me, but I'm kinda scared to go it alone for the first time. I probably shouldn't be, but I am.

I also just found this the other day. Heartfelt Yoga's Heavyweight Yoga online classes. I want to try these so badly but I don't have a computer at home that would support the video! Damn it! I seriously need to invest in a new computer. I wonder if anyone else has tried these and would recommend them? Or if anyone is willing to try it and give me a review? Maybe there's some other fat girls in the bay area who are willing to host a Heartfelt Yoga party in their spacious living room? Ha!

Would be nice though...

Try tonsillitis...

2008-11-13T11:32:00.001-08:00

...for a quick and easy way to drop a few pounds!

So I noticed on Saturday night that my throat was a little sore and I figured I was coming down with a cold. So I took a bunch of vitamins, drank a bunch of tea and OJ and got a lot of rest. My entire throat area became more sore, but I never got congested. Finally, I took a flashlight and looked at my throat and realized it was tonsillitis, went to the doctor and got antibiotics.

Before the medication though, I just felt lousy and laid in bed and hardly ate anything. So I'm back in the 270's again! 279. Granted, not the best and most healthy way to lose it, but hey, a loss nonetheless!

Last night I finally started getting my appetite back and so I called my boyfriend and asked him to bring me some food. Steak and potatoes to be exact. I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but my boyfriend is a chef. When we first started dating, I ate prime rib or braised short ribs, creamy potatoes or cheesy polenta and drank wine at least 2 or 3 times a week. I felt like the luckiest fat girl in the world! I joked (yeah...joked, haha...) around and said I was a food whore, that the main reason I liked him is because he fed me the most amazing food that I couldn't afford to buy on my own. Then I read that 6 oz of prime rib has 613 calories and 48 grams of fat!!! No wonder I gained 20 pounds when I met him! So, needless to say, the rich food consumption has gone down. I rarely ask him to bring me food from work anymore, but when he does, it's such a delicious treat!

I'm glad to say that I've gotten a handle on my eating for the most part these past couple of weeks, but I've hardly exercised at all. One thing at a time is how I'm looking at it. I realize though that I'll have to start integrating exercise back into my routine but I think I'll wait until I feel completely well. Right now I'm not doing so badly with the food and I'm still losing.

Dieting is hard. Eating feels good.

Yes We Can!

2008-11-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

Does celebratory dancing for Obama's presidency count as exercise? I hope it does because I did a lot of it and am still doing a lot of it!

In other news...

I tried some new recipes this week. Both were soups from Sunset's Cooking for Two cookbook. I especially like this cookbook because all the recipes are for 2 servings. I'm always cutting recipes that serve 4 in half so that I can have enough for dinner and lunch, it's nice to just have a recipe that's already cut for me. I also like this particular cookbook because it has the nutritional values for every recipe, something I've really learned to appreciate. It saves me time from calculating it myself on SparkRecipes. Sunset's cookbook, however, is a little hoity toity, there are a lot of recipes that seem really "special occasion" but there are a still plenty of simple ones too.

The first soup I made was Golden Spiced Butternut Squash and Apple Soup. Basically, you saute some onion and chopped apple, add nutmeg, cinnamon, and allspice. Add cubed squash and some chicken broth. Simmer until tender and then puree. This soup was delicious, although I used a cheap food processor to puree and I didn't think it was smooth enough. When I make it again, I'll use an immersion blender.

The other soup was Ginger Spiced Carrot Soup. It's similar to the other one, just involves some sauteeing, simmering, and pureeing. Saute some onion, thinly sliced carrots and minced ginger in a little butter, then add some Chinese 5 spice. Add a little broth and simmer until the carrots are tender, then puree and add more broth. My first thought upon tasting the finished soup was "carroty." Ha! Obviously! It wasn't the most delicious soup I've ever eaten, but I liked it enough to probably make it again. I think I might add a little honey and more spices to make it tastier. It was good with a dollop of plain yogurt and sprinkled toasted almond slivers on top.

I've been doing well with my eating so far this week, although I haven't been exercising as much as I probably should be. I'm down to 282 though, and I'm trying not to get all super obsessive about numbers - whether it's the number on the scale, the number of minutes I exercise or the number of calories I'm eating. I think I've been doing a pretty good job of playing it cool and just eating right. I throw some walking in when I can and I do keep a sort of tally in my head of how many calories I'm taking in. I haven't had any fast food this week.

Fast food is my worst enemy in this dieting game, I crave it like a crack addict craves crack! Just thinking about a drive through meal makes my stomach growl and my mouth water. I eat less of it in general these days, but I think about it a lot. And forget about trying to order a "healthy" option from a fast food place. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at the menu and say "can I get a salad and yogurt parfait" when there's cheeseburgers and fries to choose from.

Well, that's that. Be well.

Rude questions

2008-11-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

Some people think it's rude to ask who you will be voting for. I never really thought this question was particularly rude myself. Today, while sitting at the circulation desk, eating my lunch (I eat at my desk so that I can keep the library open for kids during their lunch recess), this one child asks, "How much do you eat a day?"

Now that is a rude question!

I looked at him and said, "What kind of question is that?" And he replied, "Like 100 pounds of food? 200 pounds?" I don't think he was trying to be rude, he was just being a kid. But it totally rubbed me the wrong way. I said, "That's a really rude question to ask and it hurts my feelings." I mean, what am I supposed to say? And why should I explain my caloric intake to a freakin' third grader anyways? That's it. The library is now officially closed during lunch!

The Biggest Winner!

2008-10-31T13:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

Let me start with a shout out to Lyn from Escape From Obesity. She had a contest to give away a month supply of oatmeal and I'm one of the four folks who won! I'm totally stoked! If, for some odd reason you're reading my blog, yet have never heard of Lyn's, please check it out. She's one of the most honest weight loss bloggers out there. Somedays I read her blog and I swear she's inside my head! Thanks Lyn, not just for the oatmeal, but for the inspiration!

The oatmeal win, along with a 2 pound loss this week have started my weekend on the right foot. It's the first rainy weekend of the season here. I love rainy weather. My plans for Saturday and Sunday are to relax, read some books and try some new soup recipes.

So it's Halloween today. I love Halloween and I hate Halloween. I love having a reason to dress outrageously. I hate the fact that I always buy 2 or 3 bags of good chocolate candy, then only have 3 trick or treaters. Guess who eats the rest of the candy?

Random story:

One year during Halloween I was working a clerical temp job at a trucking company. Not just any trucking company, this one was a fat girl's dream! It was a candy trucking company! Yes, through some ironic twist of fate, I worked in a warehouse full of Nestles, Hersheys, Mars/M&M, and other random candies and foods. I ate candy every single day I worked there. This was about 4 years ago. So on Halloween day, they sent us home with a huge garbage bag full of candy. No joke! In the bag there were full size snickers, M&M's, skittles, all kinds of things. My apartment was popular that year. I noticed some kids came to my place twice with different costumes on!

Anyway...

Tonight my friends and I are going out. Usually I don't like going to Halloween parties because there are only so many skinny girls in slutty costumes one can take. What's the deal, man? Slutty witch, slutty nurse, slutty maid, slutty cop, slutty construction worker...how can a girl like me compete? Well this year we're going to what I like to call the "Big Girls Club," otherwise known as a BBW nightclub or a size acceptance club. I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about these kind of clubs, I used to be skeptical myself. But let me say, many of these clubs (here in the bay area it's Big Boogie Nights) are so much fun. Often, there's an amazing diversity of people there, young, old, fat, thin (yes thin people can come too! Nobody's turned away), white, black, brown... I never feel uncomfortable, I never feel like people are looking at me, I always dance and have a good time and meet all kinds of people. If fear of size four 21 year old girls are keeping you from shaking your groove thang, check out a size acceptance club. They're not for crazy fetishists or "goddess" types, they're just about having a good time without fear of judgement.

Whatever your plans are, have a happy and safe weekend!

Smoke & Ashes

2008-10-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

The problem with being on fire is that eventually fires die down, burn out and become nothing but smoke and ashes. I feel that way right now. Like a smoldering fire.

For a couple of weeks I was doing well. Really well. I was eating healthy. I was walking and exercising. I was on fire! I was consumed by my healthy lifestyle, thinking about what I was going to eat and when I was going to exercise constantly. Constantly.

Then, I don't know what happened. I ate those Hostess cakes? I was tired of cooking? I was tired of doing dishes all the time? I was pre-menstrual? I don't know. What I do know is that for the past 2 weeks I hardly exercised, I ate whatever I wanted and now I'm up from 276 to 285. Again.

The entire time I was not dieting, I kept telling myself that I would start again and it would be okay. I planned my menus, but I just didn't stick to them. I felt really tired and just burnt out. And I felt like no matter what or how much I ate, I wasn't satisfied. My stomach might have been hurting, but I was still hungry. My mouth wanted to keep chewing and tasting. I justified it by saying that it was all part of PMS, but do I really lack that much self control to go on a 2 week binge and blame it on hormones?

I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. I was really excited when I hit 275 ish pounds. I felt like I had earned it through discipline and hard work and I was proud of myself when my pants fit loosely. It sucks to know that in the same amount of time I basically un-did everything and now I'm back to where I was a month ago. A month gone by and nothing to show for it. So now if I stick to my plan I might be back down to where I was 2 weeks ago in 2 more weeks. What's the point if all I'm doing is losing and gaining the same 10 pounds over and over again? Will I ever see the 260's or lower?

By now I realize that I'm not going to reach my December goal that I had back when I began this journal in May. I wanted to lose 60 pounds by December. So far I've lost 17, which is something to be proud of, but that would leave me with 43 pounds to lose in less than two months. Yeah, this isn't The Biggest Loser (I've totally turned against this horrible show, I'll write about it later this week), this is real life and I know I'll be lucky to lose 10 by December.

I'm trying not to be so down on myself. It just sucks and makes me realize that the road to health is going to be a long, slow one. Sometimes rocky, sometimes smooth (ooh, like ice cream! No, no! Bad Amber!). There aren't any shortcuts but perhaps there is a middle ground between blazing wildfire and smoke & ashes. I just need to find it.

Damn you Hostess!!

2008-10-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

My mother, like most of the adults in my family, is diabetic. She still eats a lot of sugar. A lot. It's like she's only diabetic when it's convenient for her. For example, she drinks diet sodas and puts sugar free sweetener on her cereal. Yet, she eats pastries, donuts, cakes, ice cream and the like almost every day. She gets annoyed when someone else uses her Splenda and complains "I'm the one who needs it. I'm diabetic." But then she'll eat two big ass Costco muffins with her coffee in the morning. Sometimes I'll point out her hypocrisy. When she complains that Jack in the Box gave her a regular coke instead of diet coke while eating ice cream, I'll say, "So I guess that's sugar free Rocky Road there." Then she gives me the look. The stop being a smart ass look.

This weekend I went to my mom's and saw that her and my sister had gone to the thrift bakery and went crazy with Hostess cakes. There were boxes and boxes of chocolate zingers! Pink zingers! Chocolate cupcakes! Creme filled, cakey goodness abounded! There were even boxes of those 100 calorie snack cakes. "Look Amber, you can take a couple of these boxes home!" Damn it. I have asked them more than once not to buy me 100 calorie snack boxes of anything. I go home and and eat the whole box. It's more like the 600 calorie snack pack for me.

I was going to be good and show some self control. But then I thought, I'll just have one of those pink ones. Oooh, it was so fluffy and sweet. How about a chocolate one? Might as well round it all off with a cupcake. Before I knew it, I had eaten 8 Hostess cakes. 8!!! Those things wreaked havoc on my sensitive digestive system. I still don't feel normal.

So that was my setback this weekend. Luckily for me, the battery in my scale needs to be changed and so anything it tells me in it's low battery state I will assume to be false!

I tried to undo the damage with a 3.5 mile hike at the Point Pinole Regional Shoreline. It was a beautiful sunny day and the hike made me feel really good. I'm struggling a little with getting my eating back on track. Although yesterday started off well, I think I ate too little throughout the day and starting snacking and munching on all kinds of things while making dinner. In fact, I'm pretty sure I ate about 500 calories in snacks before I actually finished cooking. Today is better.

And tomorrow will be betterer!

Health food mania!

2008-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at work right now watching the children do bus evacuation drills. I remember doing those when I was in elementary school. I always tried to sit in the front of the bus so that I could just evacuate through the front door, rather than have to jump down from the side or back of the bus. I never much liked being too far off the ground.

Anyways...

It's been a great week for me. I've been walking around beautiful Berkeley every day. I've been sticking to my pre-planned menu and eating healthy, whole foods. I find that I'm not as hungry all the time and not as hungry for junk as I usually am. I weighed myself this morning and I've now lost 26 pounds! I weigh 276 and I think that's pretty cool.

Whenever I'm on a roll, like I have been, I can't get my brain to stop thinking about dieting, about weight loss, about food. I've mentioned this before. I wish I can get to a place where it's all just automatic and my way of life, rather than this program I'm obsessed with. I don't know if obsession is a good thing or a bad thing either. I haven't decided, but I think I'll go on being obsessed for now, since I am losing weight and I feel really good.

I have a serious pre-occupation with food. Even though I plan what I'm going to eat weekly, I still am always thinking about food and what new healthy recipes I can try and creative ways to sneak in more veggies. It's been experimental health food mania in my kitchen! I've cooked and eaten things these past two weeks that I would have never eaten before! I have a huge list of recipes that I want to try, it will probably take me months to make them all. I've always loved to cook though, so it's been fun.

One thing I've been trying to do is eat less meat and more vegetable protein, like beans and tofu. I bought a block of tofu that I haven't cooked with yet, but I have tried a few bean main dishes. This is strange for me because I was never a bean person. There's something strange about the texture, I don't like the way they feel in my mouth, unless they're refried and covered with sauce and cheese. There's this Mexican restaurant in the town where I live that makes this bean dip that I would run over a puppy for (don't freak out, not really!). I'm certain it has lard in it, but it's so damn delicious, it's really the only bean dish that I would say I actually, really love. But in my attempt to change my tastes for healthier foods, I've made a Cuban black bean stew (recipe from Everday Food) and a Moroccan Chickpea Stew (from Cooking Light). The black bean one was tasty, I would make it again, but I don't think I'll repeat the chickpea one. The flavors and the textures just didn't come together right for me. I think an Indian vegetable curry with chickpeas would be a tastier way to use up the Garbanzo beans in the pantry.

Some other healthy foods I've been inspired to try (and liked):

Spaghetti Squash
Whole wheat couscous
Roasted vegetable in and on almost everything! From pasta to rice to salad greens. I discovered I LOVE roasted veggies!
Acorn squash
Kale chips (okay, I didn't like these as much as I thought I would, but they weren't horrible. You just can't make a leaf taste like a potato chip.)

I'm a person who likes vegetables, but I'm trying to become a person who loves them and eats them regularly, as a basis for most meals. So far, the experimenting has been fun and mostly tasty. Doing the dishes afterwards, however, hasn't been either.

Happy cooking!

My thoughts on fat and self esteem, or damn I'm awesome!

2008-10-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

When I was a young fat girl in junior high school I developed a tough skin. I was made fun of ALL the time it seemed like. Let me relive a few moments for you:

One day while walking home with my skinny, blonde best friend, a small group of boys on the opposite side of the street were calling out to her, trying to get her to cross over and talk to them...you know, hitting on her...It was really annoying and I called to them to leave us alone. One of them, a familiar tormentor of mine, called back to me "Shut up! You look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man!" Then my "best friend" laughed at his joke. I got pissed at her and said a few swear words.

While in math class, the teacher told us to pair up to work on our next assignment. So I pushed my desk together with the boy next to me, as we were told to do, while some other students passed out rulers. My partner got a wooden ruler and I got a cool plastic ruler. For some stupid reason, this pissed off my partner, and he began accusing me of stealing 'his' ruler and then completely went overboard with "you're so fat" jokes. Of course, other kids were laughing and the teacher was oblivious. I tried to combat them with a few wisecracks of my own, but they just didn't rival his. I was really upset, this boy was a boy that I had known since pre-school and I couldn't believe he could be so mean to me. He taunted me the entire period. The entire time, rage was boiling in me, my face was red, I wanted to cry but wouldn't give in. Once the bell rang. I put on my backpack, went out into the hall, grabbed him and pushed him on the floor. He got up quick and punched me in the face and before I knew it, there was a crowd of kids screaming "FIGHT!" and two teachers were breaking us up. I had a black eye for a week.

I was in choir all three years of junior high. During those three years, maybe 10 boys passed through there, it was always mostly girls. My last year, a new student came to the school and joined choir. His name was Wonder. He was sooo cute! He played the piano and boy could he sing. I think all the girls had a crush on him, I was no exception. So one day we had a substitute teacher, the whole class was on the risers singing Handel's Messiah. You know, the Christmas classic all about baby Jesus? I'm minding my own business, singing like usual and for some reason, Wonder, who had never bothered me before, decides to throw candy wrappers in my hair. I looked at him and told him to stop. I said it like I meant business. Then he comes in with the fat jokes. Everyone is singing, only a few people can probably hear him. I turned to him and gave him a look and he stepped away from me. So I tried to ignore him, but he just came closer and kept teasing me. Every time I turned to him, he moved away from me, but when I resumed my business, he began again. Finally I had enough. I took my song book and threw it at him and went after him like a mad woman. That fool ran like hell out of the classroom and down the hall and I ran after him. I was going to beat him down! The entire class starting running after the two of us. Now of course, fat girls don't run far and I gave up while he kept running, but he never really bothered me again.

These were just a few incidents that happened in a three year time span. Of course there were others and I also got teased about other things, like the way I dressed (my family didn't have a lot of money for nice clothes). I remember the boy from the Stay Puff Marshmallow man incident once teasing me about my shoes. They were just normal canvas tennis shoes and he was saying I got them at Payless, blah blah blah. I said to him, "yeah, I did get them from Payless. I like them, they don't bother me, I don't understand why they bother you so much. You're the one who's so pathetic you have to pick on people about something as stupid as shoes." For some reason, when I said stuff like that to the people who made fun of me, it just made them want to tease me more. Kids can be so retarded.

When I look back on these incidents now I never feel sad or sorry for myself. In fact, I rarely got sad then, although, as you can see, I did get mad! I didn't get sad because I didn't believe what these kids said to me. I never felt that I was the problem, I always saw it as their problem that they felt it was necessary to be a mean person. Even as a young person I realized that someone has to hate him or herself a lot and be really insecure if they are trying to make another person, a person who is just minding her own business, feel bad about herself. I also never understood what was going on in their mind in order for them to think it was okay to just give random people their opinion, like anyone cares.

Sometimes I hear some fat people saying things like "Everywhere I go, people give me dirty looks because I'm fat" or "I hear people whispering about me all the time." I wonder where these people are going because I rarely feel that way now, as an adult. Sure, sometimes I'll get a random comment from some asshole driving by, or sometimes young kids will say something. Once my mom and I were grocery shopping and he had this huge watermelon in the cart. This really little boy being pushed in a cart by his dad said "Those big ladies like big watermelons!" My mom and I just laughed. Hell, we are big ladies and yes, we do like big watermelons! But it's not something that happens constantly anymore. Or maybe it does and I'm just oblivious!

I'm not saying that I don't have self esteem issues that are directly related to my weight. Of course I do. I've dated men who were less than ideal because I didn't think anyone else would want me. I've spent a lot of money buying things, particularly clothes, that I didn't really need, in an attempt to make myself feel prettier. We live in a society that breeds a mentality of self hatred, that fosters the idea that you're never perfect enough, never pretty enough, thin enough or good enough. I really don't think anybody is exempt from self esteem issues. There are many thin, beautiful people who somehow think they're disgusting, fat and ugly.

Have you ever seen one of those hidden camera "what would you do" 20/20 shows? The ones where they hire actors to act out awkward social situations and have hidden cameras to see how people react? I love those shows. They had one where they hired a fat actress to sit on a public bench and mind her own business, while 3 young, thin actors/actresses just grilled her for being fat. Some people just walked by and didn't do anything. Some people (mostly women) said something and stood up for the woman. I think if I were walking down the street and saw someone or someones verbally abusing a fat woman, my first thought would be "why is she taking that from them?" and my second thought would be to beat the shit out of the abusers. I would say something for sure...

But it's my hope that fat people will stand up for themselves. Surround yourself with people who are caring and intelligent and know that there's more to a human than what's seen. Know that, yeah, you might have issues with food, you might not be the healthiest person, but that's your struggle and it's nobody else's business to judge you. We all have struggles in life, unfortunately fat is the one that everyone can see. I hate it that it's socially acceptable to pick on fat people. Hate it!

I'm here on this blog sharing my soul, and yeah, I'm trying to lose weight. I'm doing it because I love myself, not because I want others to love me. I'm doing it because I want to be healthy and mobile and unlimited. Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself, but I'll never be disgusted with myself. I never think that fat equals ugly. I never think that fat equals unworthy. I'm tired of hearing people, women especially, say degrading things about themselves. Stop caring about what others think. That's their problem.

For some reason I wanted to get all that off my chest. I've always been the sassy one in my family. I'm infamous for having a "mouth" as my mom and sister always say and for some reason I've been really emotional these past few days. I read and heard a lot this week that has made me sad.

You don't have to wait to be thin to find your self worth.

Doctor say I need a backiotomy!

2008-10-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

In recent years I have been plagued with back problems. I first noticed pain and numbness (while walking usually) in my lower back about 4 or 5 years ago. Back then, I didn't have health insurance and just figured that it was probably due to my weight and so avoided most exercise because it hurt too much, and the numbness really kinda freaked me out.

When I finally got health insurance about 3 years ago, I mentioned my back problems to my doctor (the "you're very very overweight" doctor). He sent me to get an MRI on my lower back and we learned that I have a minor spinal deformity that is probably aggravated by my weight. After that I went to physical therapy and learned simple exercises to strengthen my core and back muscles. Physical therapy was awesome because I also got massaged by hot physical therapists! After a few weeks of PT, I was left on my own, to continue the exercises and lose weight to improve my back condition.

Fast forward to now. I still do the exercises. They're kinda like ab crunches, but without lifting your upper body off the floor. I don't do them twice a day like was recommended, I don't even do them everyday, but I do them at least a few times a week. I really notice the difference when I'm walking if I don't do them. Even still, despite the exercises, I get really bad lower back pain that radiates through my hips and pelvis about once or twice a year.

Last week I was feeling fine, I was walking regularly, my back felt strong, there was no numbness. Then on Wednesday night I was helping my mom put her bed on risers, moving heavy boxes from underneath it and helping with general housekeeping. I went to bed and everything was alright...then I woke up in the morning and I could hardly stand up, yet alone walk. The pain was awful! I couldn't cook because I couldn't stand up for any length of time. I couldn't exercise, obviously. I couldn't even sit up for more than 10 or 15 minutes! So I basically spent about 4 days sleeping, laying in bed and popping pills.

It totally sucked and I think that's why I gained 2 pounds. When I got on the scale this morning I was so disappointed. It seems like when I first began this "lifestyle change"(we know that really just means freakin' diet) in May, it was much easier. The weight was just coming off. But it's a little harder now for some reason.

My back is feeling much better and this week I'm going to start walking again, but I'm going to take it a bit slow. In fact, maybe I'll stick to the stationary bike until the weekend. I definitely will not slack on my back exercises. Back pain scares me, the spine is most definitely an important part of your body. I worry that I'll have permanent nerve damage. The hypochondriac in me worries that I may wake up paralyzed (I know, not probable, but maybe possible? I don't know). Everytime my back goes out like it did last week, it seems worse and more intense than the time before. The spine isn't meant to support 280 pounds and I know I need to lose weight in order to really strengthen my back. I'd hate for it to have to come down to surgery.

I think I might have to go back to counting calories for a while. After the weight gain of the summer, I'm having a hard time getting back on track. I have good days and bad days, but I'm having a lot more bad days it seems like. Maybe if I started tracking my caloric intake again I will see more results. I quit counting them because I thought I was becoming too obsessed, but maybe calorie counting isn't he worst thing you could obsess over.

99 Cent Nutrition

2008-09-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I read other people's health food blogs and look at all the pretty food from places like Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and other specialty markets. Now, I love Trader Joe's and find that most of the time the prices there are really reasonable, but most other health food markets, including Whole Foods have outrageous prices! Sometimes I splurge at one of these stores, but most of the time, it's inconvenient (there are no natural/health food stores in the town where I live, although plenty where I work), and just too costly.

Eating healthy doesn't have to cost you an arm and a leg. This weekend I took a trip to my local 99 Cents Only store:

Everything in the photo (minus the garlic olive oil and food scale) was bought at the 99 cent only store! Kashi Go Lean Crunch (I put it on top of my yogurt for breakfast), Soy Milk (for smoothies), a cantaloupe, strawberries, mini sweet peppers, 3 red bell peppers, macadamia nuts, whole wheat tortillas, and lentils. Now there's real food for real people who shop at places like WalMart and Food 4 Less and my beloved 99 Cents Only!

I've really been in the mood for soups lately, which is kinda weird considering I never really like soup before. There were a few here and there that I enjoyed, but I never really made soup. Since I was in an experimenting mood this weekend, I made Broccoli Chowder, the recipe was in this months Everyday Food magazine. Oh my god, it was so good! I cut the recipe in half since I was just making it for myself, but I wish I had made more because it was delicious! This one will definitely be a regular this winter. Everyday Food is my favorite recipe mag, it doesn't specifically emphasize healthy cooking, but most of the recipes are very healthy, there's a photo for every recipe and they recently added the nutritional values at the end of each recipe, which is pretty helpful.

Well, happy Autumnal Equinox everyone! It's back to work for me!

Woo-hoo!

2008-09-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

This morning's weigh in fluctuated between 280 and 282, so I'll call it a 4 pound victory at 282! I'm happy, I weight myself every morning (despite expert advice not to) and didn't see much change all week. Then all the sudden...! I've been walking a lot (legs still sore) and eating well, so I'm glad to be back at the place I was at the start of the summer when I stopped dieting. I thought it might take a little longer.

A couple of weeks ago I went to see my doctor about pain I've been having in my left abdomen. Now, the last time I went to see him, it was May and I weighed 302 pounds. So when I went in again and they weighed me at 290, it was still a lot, but also still a loss. He didn't say anything to me about it. He just said that I was "very, very overweight." Yes, that fucker used two "very"s. So much for support from your health care professional. I've never really liked him anyways, I really should look into getting a different doctor.

Pound by pound I'm working my way down. Today I'm going for a hike after work and hoping to experiment with some healthy recipes this weekend. I'll share the good ones!

Reality television?

2008-09-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

I love reality shows, they are my guilty pleasure. I especially love the most smutty ones on Vh1, like I Love New York and Rock of Love. Last year for the first time I really found myself getting into The Biggest Loser on NBC. Before that, I rarely watched reality shows that had anything to do with weight loss. I had glimpsed Celebrity Fit Club, but that was a joke and then there was one on ABC, I believe, called Fat March which was absolutely horrible, in my opinion. I mean, come on, just the name "fat march" brings to mind beaten down, hopeless individuals steadily moving to their own death. I thought it seemed cruel to make a 400 pound man walk for 8 hours a day. Anyways, I didn't feel that way watching The Biggest Loser last season. It seemed legit and healthy and, yeah, it's boot camp tough, but I didn't feel like it was an extremely cruel or humiliating to the contestants.

So last night I decided to check out the season premiere of Biggest Loser Family. I don't know. Those trainers seem a bit over the top. There's one man on there with real health concerns, yet Gillian put him on the treadmill, got right in his face and yelled "the only way you're getting off this treadmill is if you drop dead!" And then went to his daughter and berated her as well! I know people go on that show knowing that it will be hard and that the trainers are no joke, but it just seems to me is that the underlying notion is that these are a bunch of fatties who have no discipline and any other health concerns are no matter, the only thing that's important is losing weight. At the end of the show, most people lost over 10 pounds in one week! One man lost 28! POUNDS! IN ONE WEEK!! I'm beginning to wonder how inspirational is this show really and how healthy is it to promote such extreme weight loss? I watch hoping that I'll be inspired, and in a way I am. I think if they can exercise that much, I can certainly take a 20 minute walk, but then I think about all the things I've read saying that exercise shouldn't be overly painful. Does this rule not apply to fat people?

Anyways...

Yesterday afternoon I left work a little early and went back to the Berkeley Marina, this time to Caesar Chavez park and took a nice stroll by the bay. I walked 1.7 miles in a little over 1/2 hour and I felt so refreshed! When I got home, I decided to keep up the momentum and did some resistance band exercises and then rode the exercise bike for 15 minutes. Needless to say, my legs are sore today, but I think it was worth it to get moving again.

I also went to the public library last week for some inspiration. I know I'm biased because I am a librarian, but don't you just love libraries? I mean look at some of these great books I checked out:

If I had gone to a bookstore and bought these books new they would cost about $100. But I'm reading them for free! Anyways, amongst others, I got You on a Diet by Dr. Oz & Dr. Roizen, Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, Eating Well for Optimum Health By Dr. Andrew Weil, and Superfoods Healthstyle by Dr. Steven Pratt. So far I'm skimmed most of them and read and enjoyed Superfoods. I feel like I already know what I need to do to be healthy, it's just the actual doing it part. I thought that maybe these books would remind me and inform me and inspire me when the going gets tough. And lets face it, the going is pretty much always tough. When I read something mind blowing in any of them, I'll definitely post it.

So that's it for now. Keep fighting the good fight!

A confession

2008-09-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

I obviously have an eating disorder. I say obviously because a woman does not get to be 302 pounds by not having an eating disorder.

I'm not sure when my dysfunctional relationship with food began, but I suspect that I've always had it. Growing up poor, some days we had a lot of food (around the first of the month) and some days we were hungry (the end of the month). I remember waiting for the mailman to deliver my mom's check on the first day of the month, starving and fantasizing about the hamburgers or pizza we were going to eat once the welfare check was delivered. We didn't have a car back then, so we always walked to a place close by and I would be incredibly happy. We would go grocery shopping, and so began another month.

When I was in the 3rd grade a check came in the mail with my name and my mom's name on it. This wasn't unusual, as I did receive survivor's benefits because my father was shot and killed when I was a baby. But this time the check was for $5,000. After verifying that it was not a mistake, my family got a car and ate pizza and hamburgers EVERY NIGHT. Seriously, the folks at the 39 Cent Hamburger Stand and Little Caesar's knew our names!

Sometimes I think that check was the downfall of my family. We were always pudgy, we had more days with food than without, but once we had a little more money, it was all over. We didn't have to walk to the store and push the shopping cart home anymore, we didn't have to improvise for dinner when food was running low anymore. If there was no food in the house, all we had to do now was drive through somewhere and pick something up.

I know I'm rambling a bit, I'm not even sure where I'm going with all this. I guess I'm just trying to delve deeper into something about myself that I don't even understand truly...

Let us jump ahead to this weekend. I ate healthy all last week. On Friday night I decided to indulge a little and have dinner with my mother and sister who still live like we just got that social security check. They eat out far more often than I do. We ordered Mexican and I got a 1/2 dinner instead of a full. I still ate until I was stuffed and then topped it off with a slice of coconut cream pie. One night is not so bad.

Last night, Sunday, I wanted to make a healthy early dinner because I knew my boyfriend would be coming over later in the evening and I wanted to already have eaten something, plus have the leftovers ready for my lunch today. So I made whole wheat spaghetti with tomato sauce. I ate and was full, but not satisfied. I called my mom to see if there was any pie left from Friday. Of course there wasn't. I wanted something sweet. I couldn't think of anything but something sweet. I ate two chocolate pudding snack packs. I wanted more. So I looked through my cupboard and found a blueberry muffin Jiffy Mix. I argued with myself as to whether I should make them or just let the feeling subside. I made them and ate all six muffins.

Now here's the confession part (finally) and more obvious proof of dysfunctionality...once I finished eating the muffins, I made it a point to take out the garbage and clean up so there was no proof that I ate all those muffins. I did this because when my boyfriend came over about 2 hours later, I didn't want him to see what I had eaten. I was hiding my food. When he asked if I was hungry, did I eat, I said, "yeah a few hours ago" and then went to dinner with him. To the same Mexican place that I ate on Friday. At that point I couldn't finish what I ordered, I was too full and sick.

I eat in secret a lot. During the summer I would sometimes pick up a Happy Meal on the way home and eat it in the car and then come home and tell my sister that I was starving, not mentioning the meal I just ate. My car looks like a junk food trash bin sometimes. I go to the grocery store and pick up a candy or pastry and eat that in the car and toss the evidence before I get home, even though I live by myself and most of the time nobody will see anyways.

I don't know. I know this post was a bit rambly, but I'm just trying to get it out, some of the shame I feel and trying to figure it out, why my mind is so messed up when it comes to what I put in my mouth. I know it will take more than a blog post to work these issues out, but it still feels nice to just put it out there.

A new beginning

2008-09-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

After a nightmarish couple of summer months I'm back. Back to my normal job, back to my semi-normal life, and back to living healthy.

The summer was really hard mentally and emotionally and the stress and anxiety definitely took it's toll on my body. The drama with my cat, Huey, seemed never ending. For two months I was taking him back and forth to the vet and even a visit to the animal hospital because the cast they put on him just wasn't working. The first cast was too tight and cut off circulation to his toes and man, did they look pretty gnarly when I finally got a peek at them. The vets said that he would still be okay, but then all the bandages they put on him after that kept slipping off, some even after just a few hours. So almost two months and 2,000 dollars later, we decided that the best solution would be amputation - exactly what I feared from the beginning. However, after the non-stop care and attention and general heartbreak and depression from watching him suffer and not to mention the vet bills, I know I was ready for the ordeal to end and I think Huey was too. I still have some residual guilt from all that happened and I'll be paying those vet bills for months to come, but Huey is adjusting to life on 3 legs and seems happy to be mobile and unconfined. Seeing him feel better, even with the occasional stumbling, makes me feel tons better.

I worked this summer too. I worked at a god awful place called the Welfare Office! I worked reception there. I lied to get the job because I needed one so badly, especially after Huey broke his leg, I said I was available long term when I knew that I would be returning to my library at the end of the summer. I tried to be optimistic about the job, at least I had some income, but my god that place sucked. Working reception at the welfare office means having to talk to and deal with hundreds of people a day, all who are in need, a lot with attitude, and having to listen to their sad stories, or having to listen to them bitch at you about a mistake that was made by their social worker. All that on top of minimal training...it was a train wreck. I came home everyday angry, bitter and drained. I couldn't wait for the job to end.

I dealt with these circumstances by eating. All summer long I ate and ate and ate. On the way home from work I would pick up one of those nasty $5 pepperoni pizzas from Little Caesars and eat practically the whole thing for dinner. I didn't make breakfast all summer. I would either skip or buy chocolate milk and chocolate covered Hostess donuts from the roach coach that made it's daily appearance in front of the welfare office. Because my summer job was so close to home, I came home to check on Huey everyday. You would think since I was going home, I would make something healthy to eat while I was there. But I didn't have healthy foods. I had ice cream and sugary cereals. And besides, I had little time. Most of the time, I would drive through a fast food place, mostly McDonald's, and then take it home and pig out. Popeyes, Wendys, McDonalds...EVERYDAY!!

I didn't walk. It was too hot outside or I was too tired after work. I didn't ride my bike because my sister was at my apartment everyday when I came home because she would cat sit in the afternoons for me. I didn't get any exercise at all.

Everyday I thought about what I was doing to myself and why I was doing it, but I was so upset about everything that I just didn't care. I tried to talk myself up and be strong in the face of adversity but I couldn't. Some days I would try to get off on a healthy start, I would say to myself, "today I'm not going to eat any fast food." But then, because I had skipped breakfast, by lunch I would be starving and lacking energy and all I could think about were hamburgers and fried chicken.

When Huey broke his leg on June 16 I was weighing in at 279, 280. Last week I was weighing about 290. This week I resolved to get back on track. This morning I weighed 286.

I'm happy to be back to my normal schedule. I planned my menu for the week and have been sticking to it, eating healthy foods. I took a walk yesterday. I have to make this work because my life depends on it. I know that sounds so dramatic, but I felt different when I ate all that crappy stuff all summer long. I know that eventually a lifestyle so unhealthy leads to death. I want to live the life I deserve.

It scares me that when something unexpected happens it can throw me off so easily. I ate to deal with all the negative emotions - depression, guilt, anxiety, stress - and I know that I need to find healthy ways of dealing with these feelings, but that's something I haven't quite mastered yet. It's easy to say, well all that stuff that happened it better now and so I'm going to go back to my diet, but what about next time? Things happen in life that are beyond my control and unplanned, that's just the way life is. Will I do the same thing? I wish I could say that I wouldn't but I knew the entire time I was abusing my body what I was doing, I just didn't care. I don't know why I think it's acceptable to do this in times of stress, why I use outside circumstance to justify filling my body with junk. I guess that's part of the process of losing weight and becoming healthy. Learning to love yourself in good times and bad.

So anyways, there's nothing I can do to erase the mistakes of the past couple of months. What I can do it move forward and make a new commitment to myself. My commitment is this:

I will nourish my body and my spirit with real food.

I will move most days.

I will meditate on why I'm eating when I eat.

I will love myself even when bad things happen.

You know the serenity prayer that people use in 12 Step programs? Well I think I'm understanding that first line more and more these days. "Grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, change that which I can and the wisdom to know the difference." There are many things I cannot change or control, but what I put into my mouth isn't one of those things. So from here out, a new beginning!

What a way to start the summer...

2008-06-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

Okay...where do I start...

Last Monday was the first day of my summer vacation, but I still went to work in the morning for a little while to finish some things up. On the way home I went to a regional park called Point Pinole and hiked for 3 miles. It was a stunning place with a beautiful bay side trail, I absolutely loved it. It was a great day, Monday...

Until that night. I was cleaning my room and of course, my cat was getting in my way like he usually does. I found his favorite toy and began to play with him on my bed. My cat, Huey, is an acrobat. He jumps like he thinks he can fly. He does backflips. He's the friskiest cat I've ever encountered. Well, this wasn't the night to play on the bed because one second he's flying through the air, the next, he's slipping down the side of the bed, hissing and yowling and limping away trying to hide. I freaked out and called my mom and sister and they came over. We inspected him and though he was obviously hurt, we couldn't figure out what exactly was wrong.

The next morning I took him to the vet. They x-rayed him and told me that he broke his leg. Poor Huey. Then they said because of where the break was, they wouldn't be able to splint it, that it would need surgery or that it might have to be amputated, but to take him to a specialist and see what they recommend.

So I took him to the specialist and the vet there said it needn't be amputated, but the surgery would cost $3,700 to $4,000!!!! UP FRONT!! He also said that he could, in fact, splint his leg, that it would be cheaper (yet still a lot), but it requires a lot more care. Splinting really was my only option, how could I pull $4,000 out of my ass?

So that's what happened. While they were working on Huey, my sister and I went to McDonalds and chowed down. I felt sick the rest of the day, not only from the crappy food, but from the stress.

Huey is not enjoying the splint and he requires a lot of attention. It has to be on for 8 weeks, so he better just get used to it. I haven't been sticking to my diet as well as I could be, but I just feel like this has been the week from hell. I keep telling myself that it could be worse. He's alive and he still has his leg. But it's just unfortunate that this had to happen...it just seems like such a freak accident.

Amazingly, I've been weighing in at 279. I have no clue how this is happening. Maybe some higher power is showing me some mercy!

Granted, I still have to get back on track. I haven't been eating often but when I do eat, it's not healthy, whole foods. Fast food, pizza, sugary cereals, muffins, cupcakes...I've been using Huey's misfortune to eat whatever I want and not exercise, although I actually kinda miss the exercising. What I really want is for someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be all right and that if I need help, they'll be there for me. It's terribly depressing to watch a cat, usually so full of life, confined, immobile and frustrated. But we all know that food does not provide the comfort we need in times of stress, so I keep telling myself that and sometimes I eat healthy or ride my exercise bike and hope I have the determination to see this summer through.

In the meantime, if you happen to be some wealthy, animal lover just looking to donate to some poor girl's vet bills, hit me up! Ha!

I feel great...

2008-06-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

Like a girl who's lost 17 pounds! This morning I weighed myself and the scale sweetly whispered back, "285." Hooray! I didn't track all of my calories this week like I usually do, I just stuck to some of my old menus, kept my meals simple and healthful and I walked or rode the exercise bike everyday. One thing I do that I find the most helpful is I plan my menu for the week ahead of time, so I'm never staring into the fridge and wondering what I should eat. That almost always leads to over-eating.

The loss isn't the only thing for me to celebrate today, it's also the last day of school. The last day of school is actually bittersweet for me. Although I enjoy the break from the kids, I hate having to look for a summer job. Oftentimes I spend half the summer sitting around in my underwear in front of the air conditioner, too broke to do much, and the other half working random, short term clerical jobs through temp agencies. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook this summer. You never know what will happen. A temp job that carries me through to the end of August would be ideal though.

My health goal for the summer is to keep up the momentum. I've already mentioned how much more difficult it is for me to stay on track when I don't have the structure of the work day. Yet, I've been at this for over a month now and it is becoming more habitual. As the weather becomes too hot to take regular walks, I'll turn on my air conditioner and ride my stationary bike. When it's unbearable to cook, I can make one of the delicious salads I've been experimenting with. I'll remind myself of my options when the going gets tough: stay fat or see it through. I've got a goal damn it! I'm gonna lose 60 pounds by December! Come December...well, I'll make a new goal.

Not that I have any readers, but I will probably not post as much during the summer, as I do most of my blogging at work. I have a computer at home, but I'm not quite the 'net nerd I used to be in my early 20's. Back then you couldn't tear me away from the computer. It was all so fun and new...the chatting, the free Napster, discussion forums, games! Now I feel like I can usually find better uses of my time. But who knows? The sometimes boredom that comes with lots of days off might lead me to do more writing than usual. I'll make it one of my health goals to keep up with this here. I think it helps a lot to write about what's going on.

Hasta luego!

Why must they tease me??

2008-06-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting behind the circulation desk at work, minding my own business, eating my healthy lunch of chicken and green bean stirfry with brown rice, and two students walk in...WITH CAKE!! Delicious, sugary, two layered, white cake... I wanted to raise my fist to the sky and shout, "Why, oh why do you mock me??" Ha!

It's the last week of school and everyone is a frenzy. I've been busy trying to collect books and all the other fun stuff that comes with managing a school library by yourself. I'm happy to say I'm back on track with my eating and exercising. I'm not religiously counting calories (just a little in my head, I can't help it at this point), but I'm pretty certain I'm staying within healthy range.

Then the cake came.

I wouldn't normally care so much. It was a small piece besides. But I've been debating in my head whether or not to go out to lunch this week, since it is the last week for a couple of months that I'll be able to get Zachary's pizza or Andronico's bomb macaroni and cheese. I figured if I did really well all week, maybe I would on Friday. But I ate that cake. It was good. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I do think I'll be bringing my lunch for the rest of the week.

Zachary's and Andronico's will still be there in September anyways.

Yesterday my school had it's annual Teachers vs. 5th graders kickball tournament. "Amber, are you playing??" "Amber, why aren't you playing?" "You should play!" All statements I heard a lot. I felt sad that I wasn't playing, knowing the only reason I didn't join was because of my weight. I couldn't stand the idea of the whole school watching as I walked up to the home plate, all sweaty in the afternoon sun, kicking the ball and then running while my boobs and belly are flopping all over the place, knocking out the small children who dare stand in my way. So I watched. It looked fun. Next year I think I'll play, fat or not...although hopefully lighter.

On a different note, yesterday I found this website that will help you plan a walking or running route. You enter your city, zoom in on the streets you want, and then being mapping your route. Then it tells you how many miles it is. So I mapped out a 1 mile route around my neighborhood that looked safe and tried it out with my sister last night. Not bad. We almost did it twice even, but only ended doing up 1 and a 1/2 miles.

I don't live in a very good neighborhood. It's the same neighborhood I grew up in as a child. My mother and sister live right across the street. It's affordable and not so bad if you mind your own business, but there's usually a lot of riff raff folks hanging out on the streets so I hate to walk in my neighborhood. So usually when I go for walks I end up driving to a park or somewhere scenic. That's fine on the weekends, but gas is a bitch now! But with the USATF website, I was able to find a route that bypassed most of the worst parts, so now I don't have to drive anywhere to walk.

Driving to walk! Ha! Sounds kinda lame, but I always thought, I could be driving to the gym to exercise, so what's the difference between the gym and the park? Not much really, as long as I keep on moving.

Until next time...

I'm so hungover

2008-06-04T15:50:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had a food hangover? You know, when you eat so much all day long that you go to bed with a stomach still full of food and when you wake up you just feel like crap? Bloated, gassy, a bad taste you can't seem to get out of your mouth... Well, after Friday's inspirational post about sticking with my diet through thin (I wish!) and thick, I just completely broke down during the weekend. Hence, today's food hangover.

It didn't start off so bad considering on Friday night my sister and I went to the county fair where I ordered a deep fried twinkie and she ordered a deep fried Snickers candy bar. The twinkie was awful, cold on the inside, with a thick layer of batter that was still runny around the actual twinkie. I took a few bites and threw it in the trash. I was relieved in a way, knowing it wasn't the most healthy thing I could've been eating. I took a few bites of my sister's Snickers and it was heavenly, but I still didn't order one for myself. After that I ate some roasted corn on the cob and was feeling fine.

Then on Saturday, I don't know what happened, I just started eating like my old self, which I guess is not really my old self at all, but my present self. My shoulders and neck were really sore for some reason (maybe I strained it on the Tilt-A-Whirl) so I didn't exercise. I had been craving fast food, but was determined not to get it. Instead I ate everything I could find in my apartment.

I play this game in my head whenever I'm craving something unhealthy; I'll eat a lot of something else marginally healthy and tell myself that at least I didn't give in to the really unhealthy cravings. For example, if I want a BK Whopper, maybe I'll make myself a hamburger at home and justify that at least it's not fast food, even if it does end up to be about the same amount of calories. Or if I want cookies, perhaps I'll make a big bowl of oatmeal and add more brown sugar than usual and cinnamon and chocolate chips and nuts and in the end I'll end up eating 600 calories, I probably should've just had a couple of cookies. This is what I did all weekend.

Then on Monday I went to dinner with my boyfriend and ordered flautas, as if I couldn't possibly get a healthier option that the deep fried meat filled tortillas. And this was after I already had a happy meal because I forgot my lunch and a hot dog from Costco. By the end of the evening I was having pretty bad stomach pains.

Think that's the end of it...nope, it's not!

Tuesday - starved most of the day because I felt so shitty after Monday's intake, but that was a mistake because by the evening I really was starving. I had to make potstickers and spring rolls for two potlucks I had to attend on Wednesday and ended up eating at least 10. Let's not even talk about the potlucks!

Somewhere within the madness, I knew I had to write about what was going on that was making me want to eat, eat, eat. I keep this little notebook in my purse that I mostly use to write down food values and plan my menus, as well as other notes here and there. I wrote how I felt:

Physically uncomfortable and in pain from the foods I ate. Stomach cramps, gas (and worse)...

Anxiety about work (school's out next Friday and I always get stressed out about finding a summer job and making ends meet), anxiety about failing at this whole diet thing, obsessive thoughts about food.

Low energy - tired of cooking and doing dishes all the time. Tired of measuring and weighing and reading labels.

I was also physically tired. For a few nights I didn't get much sleep.

I came to the conclusion that I was probably eating because of all of these reasons, but after I ate, I didn't feel better. In fact, I felt a lot worse. I was upset and disappointed in myself.

So I started over. I weighed in this morning at 290 (it's Friday, I started this post on Wednesday and didn't have time to finish it until today). That's a 2 pound gain. I thought it would be more, as I had been weighing myself all week and sometimes it said 292, 293, or 294. Yesterday I ate very light meals and went for a nice long walk in the fresh air.

I've decided to eat healthy foods, to mainly stick to the meals that I already know are low on calories, but I'm not going to count calories for the next week and see what happens. I'm doing this because I feel like I get fanatical about counting calories and it begins to consume my mind and I get upset when I don't count them just right, or if I go over calories, even a little. I know it's an important part of dieting, but I need to relax a little. Geez, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. I wish I could just turn my brain off for a little while!

Patience is one of those virtues that I lack

2008-05-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed myself about 5 times. The first few times the scale said 286, then the last two times it went to 288. A weight loss, or not a loss at all of 0-2 pounds for the last week. I'll compare it for a couple of days to see if it's a loss or not. Overall, considering I went to my doctor on May 6 and watched the nurse move the scale past 250 to 300, for my weight of 302, I'm happy to be 288 in less than a month.

Okay, that's BS, somewhat.

In the past when I've tried dieting, I've always gotten quickly discouraged. I never have the strength to stick with it very long because I want to see the difference within a few weeks. After eating healthy and exercising for a month, I want to be thin. I know, it's completely unrealistic, yet it's been my downfall for years. Sure I can stay on a diet for a few weeks, but when I weigh myself and it's only 5 pounds lost, my ego steps in and says, "5 pounds!? After all that hard work and you're still the queen of the Fat Fats? You could've been eating pizza and ice cream all this time and it wouldn't have made much difference!" And I say, "yes, you're right, I'm ordering a pizza right now! Fuck this diet!"

I'm determined to be realistic this time. I'm determined to exercise patience and perseverance. Reading other folks' blogs has helped me realize that there will be ups and downs but the important thing is to keep with it. The important thing is to make healthy living a lifestyle. It might take a year to lose 50 pounds, but in the end, 50 pounds is 50 pounds and losing it is going to feel fabulous, rather than gain 20 because you chose to abuse your body with food.

I think about food a lot. I used to think of food I'm not eating as food I'm missing out on. If my sister asked if I wanted to get Mexican food, her treat, my thinking would be, "hell yeah! I can't pass that opportunity to pig out for free!" But now I decline and tell myself that there's a time for burritos and that time isn't 2-3 times a week, or whenever someone else offers to pay. I tell myself that my favorite fatty foods at my favorite fatty restaurants will still be there when I do decide to indulge, and that it's okay to indulge once in a while. That it's possible to say no and eat the healthy food I have at home and feel just as satisfied. That I don't have to give in to all of my cravings. Instead of saying, "I deserve to go to McDonald's today because I've worked hard all week and I'm so stressed out" I say "I deserve to be healthy, but one day when you really, really, really want McDonald's and you are confident it won't trigger a fast food binge, McDonald's will still be there."

It's hard to say no to food, especially when it's offered by other people. I feel like I'm seriously battling an addiction. There were times when I'd eat fast food at least three times a week, and then grub on ice cream and pizza all weekend. I knew I had a problem when one day, on the way home from work, I was having a mental argument with myself on whether or not I should hit the drive through, or just go home and have something to eat. From the moment I got in the car, it was a constant "yes, no, yes no" in my head. Then before I knew it, I was on the freeway shoveling fries in my mouth. It was like I blacked out and wasn't even conscious of going through the drive through and ordering food until after I had already done it.

I want to be a person who eats consciously. A person who has control of what she decides to put in her body. I want to be able to face problems and stress and not try to seek solutions and comfort by stuffing herself. It's not easy to walk past the deli in the grocery store and not salivate over the smells of fried chicken, or drive past the fast food restaurants and crave the greasy goodness inside, but I'm stronger than I was. I am going to love myself enough to take care of myself and my body. There will be ups (losing 14 pounds in a month!) and there will be downs (throwing away my turkey burger and getting a Happy Meal), but that is life. Ups and downs. The important thing is to not stay down.

Joy of Cooking, Pt 2...and some other stuff...

2008-05-28T12:57:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned before, this past weekend was the weekend of experimental, healthy cooking. I have to say, most of everything I made was delicious.

I was watching the Food Network on Saturday. I think I really need to lighten up on the food shows. Although I get great ideas, I also get cravings, which lead to a false sense of hunger, which can then lead to a binge. Watching the shows on Saturday did make me hungry, but I only gave in to this awesome, and healthy, recipe from Elie Krieger for Chinese Chicken Salad:

Just look at the colors in that baby! After seeing her make it, I looked up the recipe online and went to the store and bought everything that I needed for it, basically, cabbage. I cut the recipe in half and it still made a ton. According to the Food Network site, this dish is 415 calories. Yes, 415 calories of crisp, colorful, light deliciousness! I made it on Saturday night and liked it so much, I made it again last night with the leftover cabbage. This one is definitely worth trying folks, and will definitely be on my summer menus.

Then I decided it was time to give ground turkey a go. I've always disliked ground turkey. Well, let me rephrase that - I've always disliked turkey burgers. Dry, weird tasting, weird color...just not my thing. It's okay when doused with sauce or a ton of spices, but the burgers. Blech. Then I heard Oprah talking about this fantastic turkey burger she had and I looked up the recipe. I thought, maybe, just like the salads that I claimed not to like, I wasn't giving turkey burgers a fair chance. Maybe I just had to spice 'em up. I didn't make Oprah's burger, because looking up that recipe then led me to looking up a bunch of recipes.

Ladies and gentlemen, an actual tasty turkey burger!

Who knew that all I needed was some hamburger seasoning, a few spoons of seasoned bread crumbs, Worcestershire, and chopped shallots? It was so good. It was like eating a hamburger made from beef! I ate the whole thing and didn't even wish I had instead gone to Burger King!

Then I made an Indian Spiced turkey burger. You add coriander, clove, garam masala, chopped scallion, garlic, ginger, chopped spinach (frozen, but thawed), salt and pepper. Serve on a pita with sliced cucumber and a bitchin' yogurt sauce (plain yogurt, garlic, salt, pepper, lemon juice) and you've got a pretty tasty meal for very little calories.

By Monday night I was all cooked out, but glad to be able to add a few new entrees to my repertoire of tasty, yet healthy meals. I feel like I ate a lot, but at least it wasn't a lot of junk.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I brought a leftover Indian turkey burger to work to munch on for lunch, but it just wasn't cutting it. I want to say it was the burger, that it didn't taste good, but I know it was me. I wanted fast food and I was looking for an excuse to justify me getting it after work. I nuked the burger and took a few bites and felt nauseous, then threw it away. After work I was hungry and I went to McDonalds and got a Happy Meal. That's right. I THREW MY HEALTHY MEAL INTO THE GARBAGE AND THEN WENT TO MCDONALDS.

In my mind I justified it: the turkey burger wasn't good, I felt sick, a Happy Meal is only 500 calories (with a diet Coke), I can still eat this and stay within my calorie range, I've done so well, I deserve this. But somehow I still now they were just excuses. Excuses to stay fat, excuses to stay unhealthy.

I guess the good news is that it was only the Happy Meal and not that plus Mc Nuggets, plus a milkshake, oh might as well make it a large value meal. The good news is that I didn't use it as an excuse to keep eating fast food, to go home and say "oh well, already blew it, now what can I devour?" I made a light dinner (yummy Chinese chicken salad!) and told myself that one burger and fries on one day does not a disaster make.

So it goes.

Ambition, or Why My Legs Were So Sore Yesterday

2008-05-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

I decided that over my three day weekend, I would get outside and get fresh air and be as active as possible. On a role from last week's big loss, I left work early on Friday and went to the Berkeley Marina for a walk out on the pier and around the park. Berkeley's fishing pier must be about a mile long and Friday was the day for fishing, apparently, because it was packed.

I felt fantastic when I was done. I went home and made a healthy dinner of roasted chicken and green beans. Later that evening I had a little bit of ice cream at my mom's house, but nothing to break the bank over.

Then began my weekend of experimental cooking (more to come on that topic, perhaps tomorrow), hanging out, obsessively weighing myself, eating way too many Baked Lays (I seriously need to realize that a bag of potato chips is a bag of potato chips, regardless of how they're prepared, nobody should eat a whole bag in a day) and cleaning.

On Sunday I decide to go for a hike. I've heard of this place in the Oakland hills called the Huckleberry Botanic Regional Preserve. It's supposed to have rare plants and just be a gem of the bay area that you never hear about. I did my research. According to Bay Area Hiker, the 1.7 mile loop around the preserve is easy.

I'm raring to go. I'm excited. I haven't been hiking in years and I used to love it (granted, I was in high school). 1.7 miles, I'm thinking, that's nothing! I know from past experience that hiking alone can be a little spooky, but I'm determined. I'm going to overcome my fears and get in some fresh air and exercise!

I begin the trail and it's beautiful. Twisted oak trees, ferns, a small narrow path, perfect shade:

Birds are chirping, leaves are rustling...all the noises of the woods that freak me out! But damn it, I'm gonna do this. Not far into the hike I hear movement. My heart begins to beat hard. I look behind me and see three deer. Two small ones began hopping away, but he big one is just staring me down, which, of course, is making me freak out more. I decide to just keep walking and the deer runs away.

I'm thinking to myself, "Shit Amber, it's just a deer, calm down." But another part of my brain is thinking, "What in the world was I thinking? Why did I come out here?"

I keep on moving and it's hard. The ground is uneven and my legs and feet are hurting, but not extremely. I walk and walk and walk and walk and then I hit a point where it's mostly uphill. And then there's wooden steps embedded into the dirt hills. Damn it! But I can't turn around at this point, I've gone too far. But those steps damn near killed me. When I got to the top of the hilly part my heart was beating hard and fast, and not from forest fear, from actual exercise! I had to take a break, so I sat down on the top step, not caring if a tick bites my ass. From here on out, the only thing I can think is that I gotta make it out of there alive!

I know, it's all much of an over reaction. But I really felt that way. When I finally got to the end of the loop I was so happy and I felt so triumphant! I did it. It was hard and scary and dirty but I did it. I encountered wild animals, uphill battles, and uneven surfaces, but in the end, I made it.

And you know what? I think I might do it again. Not soon, but perhaps in a few months. I think I was a bit ambitious for a person who just started walking regularly a couple of weeks ago in city parks. I do like to get out into nature however, so I'll keep on checking out more parks. Hopefully easier ones.

So that was my weekend. I didn't count calories much, and with the exception of the potato chips and ice cream, I ate healthy meals. I'm craving some fast food or junk food bad right now but I'm trying to exercise willpower. It seems to me the first couple of weeks of a diet are the easiest, but then I get tired of preparing healthy food and measuring and weighing everything. I feel like I have to explore a million options when I should just stick to a few good for you staples. Then I become obsessed with weighing myself and calculating calories and all I can think about is what I'm gonna eat next and how many vegetables I can possibly shove into one meal, and if I mess up at all then the 8 pounds or whatever it was that I lost will come back and then it's back to square one...etc...

Does anybody else feel the same? Do you become obsessed with dieting and then end up failing? I'm so afraid I'm gonna fail because lord knows this isn't my first time on this trip, yet here I am...again. I try to tell myself that even when I mess up, it's okay, as long as it's not a habit. It's not a failure if I mess up one day and then pick myself back up. But I'm scared and I can't stop my brain from thinking "diet diet diet" all the time. I even planned menus and counted calories in my sleep last night.

These are the issues I must work through. That's why I'm here journaling this.

The salad days

2008-05-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Those who know me know that I hate salads. Useless, pointless filler I call them. Then sometimes I see people eating or making salads that look so tasty and colorful and I think, "maybe salads aren't so bad." So, for the sake of my health, I've been experimenting with salads that are complete meals. No ordinary lettuce with Italian dressing, I can't stand that stuff, but more like lettuce with meats, pastas, cheeses, nuts, fruits, etc... Beautiful, colorful, and delicious salads.

Here are two salads that I had for dinner/lunch this past week:

Taco Salad

4 oz 90% lean ground beef (with taco seasoning) - 245 calories

13 corn tortilla chips - 130

1/4 c. Mexican shredded cheese - 110

Romaine based salad in a bag - 15

Diced tomato - 15

Salsa & 1 tbsp light sour cream - 45

TOTAL CALORIES = 560

This is my favorite dinner salad of all time. It's delicious and makes me forget I'm on a diet. This salad could be even lighter if you substitute the ground beef for ground turkey and regular cheese for light cheese.

Tortellini Salad

1/2 c. Cheese tortellini - 240 calories

Artichoke hearts - 15

Roasted red peppers (in a jar) - 5

Sun dried tomatoes (not in oil) - 40

1.5 tbsp Parmesan cheese - 30

Baby spinach - 15

Dressing (1tbsp olive oil, 2 t. red wine vingar, garlic, salt, pepper, pesto seasoning) - 120

TOTAL CALORIES = 465

This salad is not quite as delicious as the other one, in my opinion, but I still like it. I have to mention that it was inspired by a salad I saw Rachael Ray make on the Food Network.

It seems that the salad munching and calorie counting and walking is paying off because this morning when I got on the scale it told me 288.1. I couldn't believe it, I tried again, 288.3. I brushed my teeth, went potty and before I got dressed decided to try again. 287. I'm calling it a victory at 288 even!! Un-freakin-believable! I was at 296.6 last week, that's a 8.6 pound loss. Though, I'm thinking this large loss has something to do with my monthly visitor showing up last weekend, and probably not typical, but still highly motivational. I'm also noticing that my size 26 pants that were starting to get a big snug are fitting much better already. It's a good day!

It's another 3 day weekend. I hope I can keep the momentum up throughout. Stay tuned...

The Joy of Cooking, Pt 1

2008-05-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

I love to cook. I've loved cooking ever since I was 10 and my mom went back to school in the evenings and she showed me how to bake chicken so I could have dinner ready for the three of us (mom, sister, me). Since then, I've been watching cooking shows and experimenting with food and recipes. I'm completely addicted to the Food Network.

These days I'm trying to figure out how to cook healthy meals for one person, since usually I'm only making dinner for myself. It can be a challenge. Typically I make enough for two portions and have one serving for dinner and the leftovers for lunch. That's what I did last night with my chicken enchiladas. So here's the numbers for the day:

7:45am banana - 105 calories

8:45am Yogurt - 100

Strawberries - 45

Kashi - 95

2 tbsp sliced almonds - 90

12:00pm Chicken enchilada

Whole wheat tortilla - 120

1/2 c. sauce - 50

1/3 c. cheese - 145

3 oz. chicken - 141

3:00pm Granola bar - 140

And that brings me to 1031 calories, with 469 to spare for dinner. Yesterday with the same dinner as my lunch today I only hit about 1,300 calories, so if I go a little over today I won't stress. I plan on having taco salad for dinner with lean ground beef. I try to limit red meat to once a week. I can't give it up because I like it so much and I have a bit of it in my freezer. Although once it's all used up, I'm going to try to replace it with leaner proteins, like ground turkey.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

2008-05-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Good decisions I made this weekend:

I went for a walk.
I helped my mother get ready for her Housing Authority inspection by cleaning her apartment like a mad fiend.
I did not count calories, but I can honestly say I did not go overboard and pig out on everything I could find like I usually do on weekends. Even when I went to get gyros for lunch with my boyfriend yesterday afternoon, I let him shovel most of the fries we were supposed to be sharing into his own piehole. And then later, when he kept insisting on dessert I said, "I'm on a fucking diet, okay??" It's not easy being nice when you're hungry and know you, in fact, do want dessert.
I declined dessert AND burritos.

And some not so good decisions I made this weekend:

I had a gyro and fries and then saw a movie, rather than doing something more active, like going to the zoo, which is what I really wanted to do anyways.
Although I did go for a walk on Sunday, which is a good thing, I did it in the scorching summer sun. By the time I finished, my face felt puffy and my vision was blurry. I don't know if it was the bright sunlight, the heat, or possibly allergies. The last time I went to my doctor, my blood pressure was sky high, so I hope it wasn't that. Either way, it won't deter walking.

So it was a three day weekend for me, as the city of Berkeley has deemed that Malcolm X's birthday should be a paid holiday. As much as I appreciate Malcolm X as a person (I've read The Autobiography of Malcolm X twice, it's so good), it seems a little silly to get his birthday off. But that's Berkeley for you and who am I to complain about a paid day off? I wanted to do more with my days off, but my mom is stressing out about her Housing inspection. For all of you who have the privilege of not knowing what that means, I'll tell you. My mom is on Social Security and so doesn't bring in a lot of money. Therefore, she could never afford bay area rents without help. Housing Authority is a program that helps low income families pay a portion of their rent so that they can afford to have a roof over their head. As part of the program, they come once a year to inspect your home and make sure everything is up to code. It's a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because if the manager is not keeping up on repairs, Housing will make them. For my mom and sister, it's a bad thing because they never clean AND they have like 20 cats in a 2 bedroom apartment. Let's just say, it's not very pretty and it doesn't smell very good either. But I love them and try not to judge them and I did my part to help them out. I totally counted all the housework in the sweltering heat as calorie busting exercise anyways!

On Monday I wanted to take a break from the cleaning and do something fun with my boyfriend. I suggested the zoo and he said "hell no" and we ended up just going to a movie and having lunch.

With the exception of lunch on Monday, I think I ate healthily this weekend. Weekends are usually hard for me. There's something about the structure of the work day that makes it easier for me to stick to a menu. However, summer is coming up soon and I have to get used to disciplining my diet myself. BTW, that is because I work as a librarian at an elementary school and have summers off (unpaid though, those bastards!).

Well, after all that rambling, on to what I ate today:

8:00am Yogurt - 100 calories

1/2 c. Kashi Go Lean cereal - 95

Strawberries - 40

12:00pm Whole wheat pita - 140

8 slices turkey - 60

Tomato - 10

Salad leaves - 5

Mustard

Low fat cheese stick - 70

Baby carrots - 20

When I get home from work, I plan on making a smoothie:

3:30pm 1 c. soy milk - 100

Banana - 75

Frozen Berries - 60

Bringing the total so far to 775, with 725 to spare for dinner. I plan on making chicken enchiladas with whole wheat tortillas and a salad for dinner. I try to eat a lot of fiber, so I love the whole wheat products. I'll watch portions to make sure I don' t go over and will have the numbers for it tomorrow since I will probably have leftovers for lunch.

So far, so good I think. I'm resisting the temptation to weigh myself because I don't want to become completely obsessed. Sometimes I do that and I think I'm just setting myself up to fail when that happens. I'm so impatient, I want the weight to come off NOW! But I'm going to wait until Friday morning.

Cheers!

As good a day as any...

2008-05-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

After publishing my first post yesterday, I thought to myself, "maybe I shouldn't go into my personal life and backstory too much. Maybe it's boring, maybe it doesn't matter." But then I decided that it's important to me as part of this whole process. I don't want to simply lose weight, although that's a large part, but I want to develop a healthy relationship with food, with my body, with other people and of course with myself. So there...

Last night I sat down and made some goals. Here they are:

Consume about 1,500 calories per day. Two years ago my doctor had me see a nutritionist and this is the amount she suggested. When I stuck with that diet for about a month I did lose some weight. The hard part is sticking to it. I hate being hungry!
Drink 3-4 twenty ounce bottles of water per day. I like drinking water, so I'm not concerned about meeting this goal.
Stretch and do my back exercises daily. Two years ago, I also saw a physical therapist because I have problems with my lower back and I will have them regardless of my weight, however, the weight aggravates the condition. When I don't keep up on my simple back exercises and stretching, the pain sometimes becomes unbearable.
Walk or ride my stationary bike for at least 20 minutes, 3 times a week. This is the hardest. I don't really like to exercise and the back pain sometimes makes it hard. Yet I know the only way to get better is to work through the pain. Maybe I'll work up to more physical activity when I start to make progress and feel better.

This morning I stepped on the scale. My weight was 296.6! I'm actually excited about this number because it's lower than it was two weeks ago at the doctors office. My goal is to get down to 240 by the end of December. This means that I need to lose about 2 pounds a week for the rest of the year. Lord help me!

Here's my breakfast and part of my lunch for today:

Aren't the bento boxes so cute? There's a Japanese dollar store in El Cerrito that I like to go to. I have a thing for bento lunch boxes. They inspire me to actually want to bring my lunch to work, which can be hard when you work in Berkeley and there's so many fantastic places to eat everywhere! Anyways, for breakfast:

8:00am 1 c. Cinnamon shredded wheat - 200 calories

10:00am Light yogurt - 100

Strawberries - 40

1/2 cup Kashi Go Lean Cereal (not pictured, but sprinkled on the yogurt) - 95

And here's my breakfast and lunch, all ready to hit the road:

For lunch I had:

12:15pm 2 slices wheat bread - 200

9 slices turkey - 67

Light mayo - 20

Cheese stick - 70

Carrots - 30

So far that's a total of 822 calories, with a total of 678 calories to spare for the rest of the day. Not bad. I'm planning on having a salad, hot dog and tator tots for dinner. Not the healthiest, I know, but quick and easy for the beginning of a busy weekend and within my caloric range as long as I don't go overboard with the servings.

When I've tried dieting in the past, weekends have usually been hard. There's something about the structure of a work day that makes it easier to balance my meals. So I'll see how it goes and give y'all the update on Monday!

Farewell for now!

Baby's got backstory

2008-05-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

I've been entertaining the idea of starting a diet blog for a while, just as I have been entertaining the idea of actually dieting for a while.

You see, I'm 28 years old and a lifelong fatty, born into a family of fatties. In my younger years I hated my body as most young girls do, even if they aren't constantly being teased about their weight and that fact that they're wearing a DD bra in the fifth grade. Eventually, I became comfortable with the flabulous woman that I am and it seemed the world opened up to me. Once I realized that what other people thought or said about my body did not define me, I felt free. I left home and went to college, made wonderful, intelligent and unique friends, traveled a little, started dating...I didn't feel like my weight was an obstacle, I didn't let it stop me from living the life I wanted to live. I may have been fat, but I felt healthy.

Now as I inch my way toward 30, I wonder if somehow my earlier self acceptance was a facade, or if perhaps my lifestyle of mindless eating is catching up to me. I'm heavier than ever, I feel uncomfortable in my clothes, my knees creak and ache, my lower back hurts and goes numb when standing or walking for moderate amounts of time, my biggest clothing feels tighter, I sometimes shy away from social events because I don't want to be put in a situation where my weight is an issue. I never really felt that kind of social anxiety before.

I think my tipping point came when I went to visit my best friend from college, who lives in Denver, in December. In her tiny guest bathroom, I could hardly move around. The toilet seemed crammed in between the wall and the shower door. I was so uncomfortable and immobile in that bathroom that I could hardly wipe my ass. It's so embarrassing to admit it, but it's the truth. Although the room was small, it was my fat ass that was cramping my hygienic style!

Two weeks ago I went to see my doctor. The scaled weighed me in at 302 pounds. I'm 5'3. As a child growing up, I was used to seeing big family members, my mom's weight, when she wasn't yo-yo dieting, was usually around 350-400 pounds. I remember thinking to myself, "I know I'm fat, but I don't ever want to be that fat. I'll never let myself get to be over 300 pounds!" I know that may sound a little messed up, it's never right to compare yourself to others in order to make yourself feel better by saying "at least I'm not that fat," but that was my thinking as a child. So here I am, over 300, feeling crappy, unhealthy, and perhaps now is the time to do something about it.

I don't really think that my earlier confidence was a lie, however I do feel like there are many issues that I bury under food and fat. I think to myself sometimes, how can I truly be happy when I treat my body this way? Besides, even when I felt as though I knew myself, I still had issues. It's like that saying, "hindsight is 20/20." I can look back and think, "why did I date that loser?" or "why did I spend all that money on clothes when I already had a whole closet full?" and realize that somehow those things are connected to my self image and my fat body.

Anyways, the goal of this journey is not to be skinny. It's not to look good in a bikini or to get men to like me or anything superficial like that. In fact, I doubt I'll ever be skinny. But I want to weigh less so that I can feel comfortable in my skin again. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to walk around without so much pain. I want to get on top during sex and not worry about crushing the person under me or throwing out a knee! I want to get to the underlying issues of why I abuse my body. I'll be counting calories and sharing with you the food I eat and the activities I do. I'll probably have some down points and setbacks, but I hope this is a good thing.