So here's the deal...

I haven't been doing any sort of dieting. At all. And I'm okay with that right now. I haven't been bingeing, nor have I been eating healthy or exercising. I just eat what I want when I'm hungry and that's that.

Mentally and emotionally I've been much better. I had a great spring break. I went to the beach, to the casino, to San Francisco. I went thrift shopping and dancing and have been having a fabulous time indulging in my new sewing hobby.

Sometimes I have conflicting emotions when it comes to dieting and weight loss. I believe that we live in a society that values thin as ideal and beautiful and hates fat, especially fat women. We're constantly told that fat is unhealthy, disgusting and shameful. We learn to hate our bodies, to be ashamed, to hide behind hideous clothes, to be the quiet fat girl that isn't worthy of love or recognition.

I recently had a conversation with my best friend. Her mother has Huntington's disease and it has left her unable to care for herself, she needs constant assistance. As the disease progresses, it gets more difficult for her mother to do the physical things we take for granted, such as speaking and swallowing and going to the bathroom.

She told me that her mother, who is normally heavy, had recently lost a lot of weight, that she's "skin and bone" now. She said that everyone was saying how great it was that she was losing weight. Mind you, this is a woman who is in a wheelchair and can't even lift a fork to her mouth by herself. My friend said she's the only one who seemed to think that her mother losing weight was NOT a good thing. She's not eating because she doesn't want to, she's losing the ability to swallow. And now doctors want to insert a feeding tube because she is essentially starving to death. She spits out everything they try to feed her.

It made me sad to hear this. The whole situation, obviously is sad. But the idea that there were people who looked at this woman who can't even function on her own and thought "wow, that's fantastic that she's losing weight" as if she were dieting and exercising and making a conscious effort to lose it. Would you congratulate someone with cancer on their weight loss? Would you tell them how fantastic and healthy they look simply because they can fit into smaller clothes?

Sometimes I feel like our pre-occupation with the number on the scale is ridiculous. There are beautiful fat people. There are beautiful skinny people and beautiful in between people. There are healthy fat people. There are unhealthy skinny people.

I've always wrote that I never really thought I would be thin. My goal has always been to be thinner so that I can move around comfortably and not be limited by my weight and I still feel this way. Do I think I'll ever be under 200 pounds? No, I don't. Am I okay with that? Yes I am. If I can fly in an airplane or go to a concert with minimal seat spillage, if I can comfortably wipe my ass in a tiny bathroom stall, then, I'm doing okay.

I'm making earnest attempts to love myself as is right now. I wear cute clothes every day. I'm going out. I'm dancing. I'm smiling and talking to people more. At the moment I feel like I have to represent the big girls. We are beautiful. We are graceful. We are confident. We are sexy. We are intelligent. Fuck shame. Fuck disgust. Fuck feeling like we're not good enough. We are good enough.

I might take a break from here for a little while, but I will be back. Developing a healthy relationship with food is a big part of my life and of course, as I've said again and again, it's all connected. Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy spirit. But right now, I think it's more important to focus on my mind and spirit.

I really apprciate this outlet and I really appreciate this community. It feels incredible to know that there are folks out there that actually want to hear what I have to say. It's uplifting and I'm very grateful. :-D

So until next time, and I promise, there will be a next time, be well!

The Dumpee Diet

At the beginning of March I was weighing around 290. This morning: 275. Wow. I should get shitty boyfriends who dump me for their best friend more often.

Not really, of course. March felt like a total disaster, complete with fuzzy moments of insane jealousy, utter madness, crying, screaming, cussing, a little egg throwing, some kicking and punching, some bingeing, a lot of starving, restless sleep and a few regrets.

But that is over. He's gone gone gone. I'm moving on and embracing my awesome, single life filled with exciting and sexy adventures!

I'm also getting therapy. Dude, I need it.

I've been back in starvation mode for over a week now. I'm not deliberately not eating, it's just when your nerves are all revved up, it does painful things to your stomach. I'm getting hungry again though, and I plan on getting back on track and taking care of my body the way I'm trying to take care of my mind and spirit. It all goes together anyways.

Next week is spring break. My sister and I are renting a car and exploring this glorious state! She wants to see everything there is to see in San Francisco, I want to explore the beaches and do some hiking at the Pt. Reyes Seashore. We have time to do both and I can't wait!

I still have moments of depression, but I'm a lot better for the most part. I realized that I have a rich life, with good friends who know practically everything about me and still love me, an awesome job where I get to read stories to enthusiastic children, a kick ass apartment, poetry, flowers and a fuzzy cat. I enjoy my own company and I am content.

Honesty, or What I Really Ate Yesterday

Like I said before, my appetite is back with a vengeance. Last night I was in bed, feeling sorry for myself and thinking about everything I ate on Friday. It wasn't pretty. I thought maybe I should write it all down and look up the caloric content.

I need to own up to my eating habits and disorders. When I totaled everything, I was appalled. What did I really expect though? I mean, I had an ultimate cheeseburger from Jack in the Box for breakfast at 8:00 am. With a diet coke, thank you.

So here is me owning up. Fridays menu:

Fiber one bar - 140 cal
Ultimate cheeseburger - 1010 cal (holy sh*t!)
Small fry - 330
Diet coke - 0 (you need a diet coke when you're eating a 1010 calorie burger)
Yogurt - 100
Gyro - 500 (I'm guessing around this much)
French fries - 430
Small bag of chocolate Cadbury eggs - 210
Brownies - 500
4 small powdered donettes - 240
2 Hostess cupcakes - 340
Some random potatoes - 120

Grand total = 4020 calories

Yeah. 4020 calories.

I've been really down lately. I wish I could write on this blog that I'm a strong person and I'm already over the events of the last couple of weeks and moving on okay, but I'm having a lot of issues. I feel so lonely. The douche and I are still talking, and I need to stop talking to him because it makes me more crazy.

Last night I was dying to go out and maybe see a band and dance a little. I had tentative plans with a friend to go to a local bar and she ended up flaking. I thought about going out by myself, but was too afraid. In my earlier 20's I used to go out by myself sometimes and it was never a big deal. I don't know why I have this fear now. So I was really bummed out. I went to my mom's, where I ate the powdered donuts and cupcakes and potatoes. I left early and came home and just sat around, feeling bad.

I wish my friends lived closer. I wish the local friends I have were more reliable. I wish I had the courage to just go out and do the things I want without the fear of rejection. I wish I could get over the fact that I got dumped and move on with my life. I wish I could stop eating like a heifer. I just wish I was stronger.

I don't know what to do to get over this rut. Even I'm tired of this pity party. Some days I feel okay, then I just get down again. I want to turn my brain off and be okay. I want to go back to last May when I first started this blog and be full of enthusiasm and optimism, ready to tackle my issues full force.

Oh well. I know this won't last forever. Thanks for bearing through with me.

Back with a vengeance!

I couldn't eat anything after the whole break up thing. For over a week, I maybe ate a yogurt and a granola bar during the course of a day. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, I could ALWAYS eat. But for some reason, the anxiety, the stress, the hurt, I just couldn't eat. I wasn't hungry. When I tried to eat, it made me more upset, as well as nauseous. Weird, huh? Usually strong emotions are the cause for overeating. I don't get it.

But lately, as I've been feeling better, my appetite has come back...with a vengeance! I had this feeling that once I started eating again, it would be hard to stop, and I was right. These past couple of days I've been grubbin!.

I don't even want to weigh myself. I know that not eating for a week, and then following that with a few fast food pig outs has probably wreaked havoc on my metabolism. Oh well.

I've been keeping busy. I went to the opera with my sister, cosmic bowling with friends. I made a list of 101 things I want to do in 1001 days. Good ol' list making!

I haven't eaten a good, healthy meal in a long time. I haven't even cooked in weeks. And I usually love cooking. I'm still depressed, but I'm not nearly as upset or angry as I was two weeks ago. 

I keep trying to sit down and think about what kinds of meals I want to make and what kind of activities I want to start doing to get this freakin' diet back on track, but now just doesn't seem like the time. I'm still feeling a need to focus on my self-esteem, rather than the particulars of weight loss, otherwise, this whole thing is kinda pointless. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna live life and have fun and carpe diem.

Update

Yesterday was awful. I was running on practically no sleep, I was a weepy, emotional mess. 

My girlfriends were really nice about everything, my sister too. Some offered to key his car, my good friend Rashawnda took me out to dinner and we talked about Vh1 reality shows and it helped to take my mind off things, although I could hardly stomach food. I still can't.

I asked him to come over because I felt like I needed some closure and a real, truthful explanation to my face.

So he came over.

What it pretty much came down to was this:

This girl, his friend, was really just an excuse (at least that's what he said, I don't really believe it completely).  I guess he had this on his mind for a while and for some stupid reason, thought it better to just string me along than be honest and up front with me. He said that he feels like he's getting older and that it's not going to go much further than where it's at. He said, "come on, it's not like we could ever live together or anything. We'd kill each other!"

I had to agree. It's true. He is 8 years older than me and I never really expected to be with him as long as we were together and I would never in a million years agree to live with him or anything. As much as he is a part of my life, he still drives me crazy and gets on my nerves. I think we both knew that eventually it was going to end, but that doesn't make it any less painful. When you hang out with someone so much, for years, you grow an attachment to them. I'm still really sad. I'm still really upset. 

He said he thinks we can be friends. I don't know. I feel like I'm not ready to give him up, but I said if he does start a relationship with that girl (who I wish would die, I'm so full of hate and anger still), that I could never be his friend, I would never get over the fact that he dumped me for her. He said more than likely, nothing would happen between them, they would still just be friends, but I don't believe him. I know now what a liar he is.

I don't understand why men lie. They think they are doing you a favor by not hurting you, but they always get found out and by then, it seems like even more of a betrayal. Why weren't you just honest from the start?

Now is the time for me to put myself first. Maybe this is good. I need to learn to love myself more. I can say how awesome I think I am until the cows come home, but do I really believe it? Breaking up with someone is a major blow to your ego. You begin to wonder why the person you were with doesn't love you. Aren't you lovable? You wonder what it is about you that turned them away, what wasn't good enough. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to feel like I need another person's validation to have self worth. I should just have it.

I have a lot to work on, my issues with food being a major concern. I've been so upset, I haven't really been able to eat anything without wanting to throw it back up. But I know when the physical symptoms of stress and heartbreak are over, I'll probably begin bingeing like I have been for the past month. How do I learn to love myself enough to know that I'm worth more than burgers and pizza and cookies? 

That's really what this whole thing is about. If I can't love me, I'll never get past overeating, I'll never live the healthy life I want.

Honestly, I don't even know where to start.

Heart broken

I'm not doing so well today and really just need to vent...

Last night I was dumped by my "boyfriend." I'm not really sure he was ever really my boyfriend, but we did spend 2 1/2 years seeing each other all the time, being intimate with each other, going on dates. He took me out all the time and bought me really expensive gifts during the holidays. Then all of the sudden...

He's had this lady friend, his best friend, since before I knew him. I asked him when we first started going out what the deal was with her and he said that they were just really good friends, but he'd never get with her, that would be like getting together with his sister. Over the next two years, I asked him from time to time but he always denied that there was anything there but friendly business. And I believed him. I mean, we spent most of our time together, how would he even have time to date another person?

During this last Christmas, I guess they got in a fight because he bought me a laptop and it made her upset. Then recently he told me they were talking again and hanging out. 

Then he started acting weird and distant. I called him last night and found out he had been at her place. I said, please tell me the truth, what is up with this whole situation?

And he says "I have feelings for Tiffany. I always have, couldn't you tell?"

I thought it was some cruel joke. I couldn't believe my fucking ears.

Then he says he told her before but she didn't want to be with him, but now she's showing interest and he wants to pursue her.

What the fuck?

What a fucking douchebag. How does someone lie to you for over 2 years? How does someone spend so much time and money on you, leading you on for over 2 years?

I was up all night, I got maybe an hour of sleep. My heart was pounding. When I finally fell asleep, I woke up drenched in sweat and I threw up. I feel so sick. How could he do this to me? What the fuck is wrong with him?

And he had the nerve to tell me he is still my friends, that we were always just friends having fun and he still wants that. What kind of friend is that? My friends don't mentally and emotionally fuck me over. 

I hate this. I hate that I'm second guessing myself. What does this bitch have that's so fucking special? She's divorced with 2 kids. Seriously? WTF??? I'm way awesome, doesn't he see that? I've done everything I could to make him happy since we started seeing each other. What a waste of time.

I think the worst thing is that most of my good friends live so far away, most in other states, and the few friends I have locally have families and are generally busy. He's become my best friend here, he's the person I hang out with and do stuff with all the time and now I feel like I don't have anybody. It's just me by myself now. I guess I need to learn to be okay with that.

I have so much hate and anger in my heart right now. I want this bitch to die. I want to fuck up his property. But I know that won't solve anything.

I'm shocked. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. 

Obligatory POM post!

I was contacted not so long ago by the POM blogger, with an offer to receive a free case of POM Wonderful pomegranate juice. Thanks POM blogger!

As my mom said, "It's the same shape as you!" Thanks Mom... I just so happen to think curves really are sexy.

It's pretty good. And has a buttload of health benefits. And most importantly, it's great mixed with:

Pomegranate juice, do you take this cherry vodka to have and to hold, from this day forward, til death do you part?

I do!